I SHOULD HAVE GONE TO BED

It's not my fault.  Not today.  But he left.  He left again, and I'm here alone.  I think I'm going to write til I'm too drunk or sad to do so anymore.

 Fact is, I had a budweiser with dinner at six thirty tonight.  The boys and I had burgers, soda and a beer, all for the amazing price of six bucks at Bunks Deli.  It was good, actually.  So delicious it was disgusting.  I guess that's what  a hard day's work will do to you.  We came home, watched a couple videos on netflix.  Garrett is dealing with a green pussy swollen "W" right now.  The W stands for WiWi, by the way.  Very exciting in the middle of the work week.  Anyhow, we had a vinegar and peroxide treatment after work, followed by burgers and dessert of our choice from the Mini Market down the road.  A couple videos and off to bed they went.

Me?  During the time I was home, I paced myself, had a couple of "tally beers" until Ben would get home.  He's either home at nine or eleven or whatever.  I just wanted to not be too tired, not too drunk when he walked in the door.  I wanted to make love.  I wanted to connect.  Lucky me, he got home around nine.   Such lovee texts on his way home, such nice words.  When he got here, he proceeded to sit with me and have some wine.  He brought home a couple bottles of italian, and explained how the police had followed him to the grocery store.

We drank a bottle while he shared stories of how his day had gone.  He talked about the new management and the issues at the restaurant.  He spoke about how Susan had been there to work for the day, etc.  He spoke about the stress involved in management.  He spoke and spoke, and I was jealous.  I was jealous of the things happening.  I had questions for him about the till, etc.  I had questions about the employees.  He didn't have answers, as he explained.  The Front of House Duties are not his issue at the moment.  I get it.  But they will be, and in only four days.  He and Susan had spent the day together, awesome.  They spoke about things.  They spoke about things I wasn't involved in, and it took me an hour to take it all in.  It took me an hour to realize how left out I was.

Then, it was my turn.  I told him about Garrett, and his Wi Wi infection, that I needed to take him to the doctor.  Ben asked why I hadn't asked Susan what to do.  Well:

Susan hasn't spoken to me on any real terms or subjects for a couple of weeks now.  The one time she did contact me, it was regarding the money owed for rent due.  It's not like I really wanted to contact her for medical advice.  She seemed to be avoiding me.  I don't need her.  At this point, I opened the second bottle of wine.

Then we went on to my work, how it was.  We never got a chance to talk about my day.  You see, I'm involved in my blog at the moment.  I called Noah today to ask about how to fit a certain video onto my page, and I told Ben about that.  I was excited, I wanted his approval.  All he asked was how I had verified the "Dr's Credentials" of the video I had posted on my blog.  I only wanted his approval, not his evaluation.  I don't have much time for evaluation with him... I only want love.  There's just so little time.

At this point, for some reason, the issues arose.  He was upset that Noah had gone to pizza with me the night he got called into work.  He was upset that Noah came to take his table and had assembled the "guest bed" with me.  He was upset  that Noah was helping me to assemble my blog.  He showed the distrust outright, saying Noah is always there when he is not.  He is jealous.  Whoa.  I said, "It's not like it's some random dude that I work with, it's your brother!"

Oh My Goodness, now the issues intensify.  The questions start in.  Ben starts questioning how much I've been drinking, how many times Noah is texting, he is essentially accusing me of something, though I'm not sure what.  I am upset.  I can't answer as fast as he can ask.... I shouldn't have to.  I shouldn't have to answer to questions that are based on Jealousy and alcohol and stress.  I am feeling the pull.

I ask him where he is sleeping for the night.  It's just not fair.  I have tried so hard, and he is trying to pick a fight with me.  He is so stressed and jealous.  I didn't mean to portray myself in a way that made him jealous.  I didn't mean to.  I know it's him though.  I knew it was coming.  I knew jealousy and stress would take over our lives.

The Avalon will take over our lives; it's inevitable.  Unless we are careful with eachother.

I will do whatever he wants.  I want to be supportive and I want to be understood.

When the shit hit the fan tonight, I went into the kitchen and removed myself.  I said it wasn't my fault, that I didn't want to feed the situation.  I said I didn't want jealousy and stress and money to ruin us.  I knew he would blame me.  He would blame the fact that I'm not on medication to be the cause of my outburst.  However, truth be told, I didn't outburst.  I removed myself, though it was hard.

He walked out the door, he got in his car.  He took his phone battery out of his phone.  I tried to throw it at him.  Instead I dropped it.  I yelled and threw a laundry basket.  Then I ran after him.

He was abandoning me.  He was leaving yet again.  

When he left, I yelled at him.  I said the words, "Is it worth it?!"  He pulled out and then yelled out the window: "Isn't that what you wrote on the window of your ex's car at the bar?  The night he didn't come home?"  

Yep.  That's what I wrote.  I won't and can't be abandoned.  Not again.  Not now.  The Avalon is tearing us apart.  And as much as the "owners" respect our relationship, I don't think it's going to pull us through.  I fucking hope it does though.  I fucking Hope It Does.