DISGUSTED, BUT I CAN'T TURN AWAY

Dirty Goose, two olives please.  Yes, that's what I like after a hard day at work.  It's not that it was very difficult, it was just that one man I had the pleasure of serving first thing in the morning.  Apparently if you serve a vegan man yogurt his stomach gets upset.   Not my fault he didn't read the menu or tell me he was vegan.   I offered him immodium, took the damn smoothie off the check and gave him the boss man's email address.  I'm sure I'll be spoken to about it, but I did all I could do to remedy the situation.  I worked my shift, made it through and went straight toward my favorite stop in for a dirty goose, two olives.

While sitting there, sipping away and swirling the olives around in circles deciding the best time to eat them, I was slightly glued to the gigantic television on the wall.  It was tuned to "Hoarders, Buried Alive."  There were pictures of obese people standing in their kitchens surrounded by old food and garbage piled high toward the ceiling.  The music  in the background and the geriatric conversation looming in the room wasn't enough to make me feel soothed.  I felt disgusted, but I couldn't avert my eyes.  I looked around the room and noticed many others were entranced by the devastation of a home on the 50 inch screen.

Did you know that many people with OCPD are "hoarders"?  Yes, the majority of them have that trait.  However, there is another, less persistent trait, which is throwing everything away.  I'm glad I have found myself in the latter of the two extremes.  Ben has been very helpful in this area, as well.  He brings up the fact that the children won't feel secure if I get rid of things when they're not home; that they'll always be afraid of the things they love disappearing.  Fair enough, I had never thought of it that way.  I keep the black trash bags in the back of the drawer, out of reach.  It seems to help.

People like disgust.  People like it because it makes them feel better about their own lives.  People like it because it's real.  People like and appreciate realness, even if they don't or can't admit it.  I realize this now, and why it's challenging for me in regard to my blog entries. 

I know I have an inner editor, or conscience, if you will.   I have 80 drafts written in my blog, waiting to be looked at and published.  However, the inner editor in me keeps me from hitting the button to make the piece of writing available to you.  I'm afraid I'll hurt feelings.  Here's the deal though, I HAVE to publish them.  I have to, because it's what I set out to do when I first set out to write as a form of therapy.  I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I might, and I'm only apologetic in the sense I can't apologize for it.  I'm hoping though, that however disgusted you may be, you will still read.  I want to capture you and show you truth and realness.  I can apologize for my lack of emotion and realness in a few of my previous posts.  I hope they were still good read for you.  

As my posts become more frequent, I'm going to ask that you post comments only on the blog pages, anonymously.  There is always a link.  I realize many of you read via Facebook, and that's great.  Please don't comment or send me messages via Facebook.  It will be too difficult for me to continue writing when I am cautious because of something you may have said to me.  

What would you like to know?  Do you have questions for me?  What can I answer for you?  Let me know, please.  I know there were questions and misconceptions regarding OCPD vs. OCD, and I will answer those soon, possibly this evening.  Please understand, I don't have OCD.  These are two completely different mental illnesses, though they have many of the same traits.

Oh, and for the guy that drank the yogurt smoothie, tell me:  Was the aftermath disgusting or what!?