Drug Addiction and SSRIs

Have you ever withdrawn from an SSRI? I have. Twice now, with deliberation to break the cycle. It's funny, too, because doctors will swear by the drug, making you think everything will be easier on it. Sure, life is a bit easier. The first few days of a new SSRI feels strange and discombobulating. Maybe you lose a few pounds or get some great sleep, something of that nature. Of course you keep with it, hoping the "feel good effects" are real-life things, and that they'll surface sooner rather than later. The effects do kick in, however they do so gradually, so you never really know if you're just feeling better or if the drug is really helping.

That is, until you stop taking the drug. Maybe your prescription ran out, or maybe you were just curious.

Yep, two days off the drug you never knew you needed, and you feel like shit. Crying spells, rapid heart rate, night-sweats, brain quakes (don't worry, I'll explain), crying spells and anger fits. Sounds like fun, huh? After two days of thinking craziness and depression has seeped back in to your life, you go back to the "temporary fix drug", and just continue taking it, because it's easier that way. Taking an SSRI after a few days without it feels like bliss. I imagine it is the same type of "fix" a heroin addict has when they shoot up. It feels good. Though it's prescribed, I'm realizing it's a drug. I'm realizing I have an addiction.

Here's the deal: I'm a clean freak as well as control freak, and I have to have everything in my world in perfect order. That's why I'm a drug addict. I'm an SSRI addict. Pretty silly, huh? I know a lot of people would LOVE to have the disorder I have. They would LOVE to have a psychiatrist tell them, "You're fine, you're just a perfectionist."

Sounds pretty simple, but it isn't. I turned to medication because my control issues caused me to have no control over my life or my well-being. Strange, I know. However, there was a point three years ago that I wasn't able to cook dinner for my children because my fridge was dirty. True story. It was then I discovered SSRIs. They have been beneficial. However, they are long overused.

I haven't been able to get ahold of my hundred-dollar-an-hour-i-know-everything-you-don't-have-to-be-on-meds-forever-psychiatrist for over two weeks now to refill my prescription. I quit cold turkey and have been living in a shitting-myself-brain-shaking-inside-my-skull-like-a-10.1 magnitute-earthquake-world for twelve days. The shaking is almost over now. Today was a good day.

Ben asked me what I was going to do about medication. I said, "nothing". Yes, I am going to do nothing. I don't want to be a drug addict, a slave to SSRIs forever, and I'm almost out of the worst of it. If my world turns upside down, I'll make a different move and seek out treatment. However, a little OCD could be beneficial. Perhaps I can use it to my advantage now that I am more educated in the way my mind works.

I have approximately 22 trazodone pills left. I have no refills on them either, and I am not sure a tranquilizer is what I need either. That's a whole other story, and a whole other drug addiction. However, I'm willing to rise to the battle and take over my mind and body. I can at least try.

In the meantime, tomorrow is going to be a good day, and I'm going to go clean the windows before bed. Good night. Just kidding, about the windows of course!