Monday, April 04, 2011

The Road To Nowhere... In Particular:

Written Last Night: circa 9pm.

Of all the fucking things I chose today, I chose to go out of my realm and do something I didn't want to do.  Of course, I should have said no, but I couldn't.  In my mind, the time-line wouldn't work out, and I would have time to kill... at least fifteen minutes of doing nothing.  I gave in, possibly because I wanted to see Ben, and maybe because I knew he had been drinking, and the real reason he wanted me to drive was because of that fact (though he would never admit to it). You'd think we could be honest enough to state the facts to each other, but I digress.  The fact is that I know him, and I know the real reason I should have driven, and I drove.  We always know the real reason behind our actions, he mine and I his.  We belong to each other.  I killed time buying books at the book store for the kids.  I spent time spending money, which is always a bad thing when in the position I stare at each day.

As we drove, I knew he loved me.  He spoke and I listened, as I have for the past day.  My tears always holding themselves back by a milisecond.  Our conversations last night were inevitably about Avalon.  He is the new GM, after all.  Our conversations in the car on the way to the Ashland were about Avalon.  In fact, the only thing we spoke about before I left for work this morning was the Avalon.  At Susan's house, for the ten minutes I was there, it was Avalon.  Sure, we made small talk about books for kids, probably because I had just gone to the book store.  She did, at one point, ask how I was and I said, "I'm fine.  Just tired."  I said that trying not to burst into rage and a full display of tears. Twenty four hours of Avalon talk, and I don't work there.  I'm not involved.  I vowed to focus on me this week.  

It took every inch of me to not break into a full crying rampage.  I really don't want to have a massive melt-down or episode simply because things are changing, because I'm uncomfortable.  I know it's inevitable.  I recognize the danger, or the "warning signs", if you will.  That has got to be a step on the road to recovery, right?

Real Time:

Warning signs are real.  Whatever it is that makes me flip to the other side, it happened again.  However, I could feel it coming.  After a day of tears and high running emotion, Ben came home.  I held it together, tried to stay aloof and not let into the fact I was dying inside.  Overall, it didn't work.  Ben knew something was wrong, and I finally tried to explain myself to him.

As we were lying in bed, I explained clearly my thoughts (or thought I did) about his workload and the worry I have that it will be too much.  Somewhere along the way, I lost him and hurt his feelings.  Personal attacks on both our ends ensued, and he slept in the office again.  This time, I feel we were both at fault.  We both said mean things to each other, things which should never be uttered.  We attacked each other in the place it hurt us the most.  We exploited our own insecurites and threw them directly into the other person's face.  

With all this crying and these feelings of desperation, I begin to wonder: Depression?  Hmmm.  I'm going to say "no" here; though if it is, it's mild.  I think the tears come from realization and anxiety.  The realization is that I'm walking the road to nowhere, and that makes me anxious.  And it fucking sucks.

In an indirect response to a previous comment about some men stepping up to the challenge, I reply:

I'm a single parent, yes.  Do I want to be?  No, of course not.  Do my boys deserve to not have a father figure?  Yes, of course they do.  They are great kids, and they deserve everything.  Am I selling myself short by accepting that "the love of my life" is not willing to step in as a parental figure? Quite possibly by some viewpoints.  However, if a person is doing the best they can, who am I to expect more from them?  Do your best, and that's all you can do, right?  If what we do works for us, and we live a life of love and respect for each other (which we strive for each day), then what more should I ask for?

Today, I am walking and realizing the road to nowhere.  Will there be a career advancement for me?  Will there be a father figure for my children?  Will there be an honest down to the paperwork marriage in my future?  What do I strive for, and what will it take to get there?  Have I sold myself out, for the sake of staying afloat and being content?  Have I done the BEST for myself, and for my children and for  my family? 

Have I been walking the road to nowhere?  I guess it's all in eyes of the beholder.

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