A letter to...

Hi,

I read a quote today which, unfortunately (or fortunately) I can't be rid of, so I have to write to you. My last cigarette on the patio made me feel even more compelled. I realize I have been drinking and smoking a lot lately. The tomatoes are growing beautifully, by the way.

"All depression has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously." Tom Robbins, of course.

Duh. I have been depressed. I am depressed. It took me a while to figure it out this time. Maybe weeks of crying myself to sleep finally made me begin to realize the true nature of my crisis. What a selfish thing for me to feel. The worst part is that I can't control it and my family is sufferering because of it. The best part is that I can make an effort to stop it.

"I'll see you when I get home and you'll be crying in bed. I'll be home as soon as I can. I love you." Those words shouldn't have to be spoken (with the exception of the love part). How horrible to come home to a love who is always crying....

Fuck depression. I am living in a beautiful town. I have a beautiful family. I have a love which is amazing, and kids who are smart and healthy. My children go to good schools and I have a friend here in my complex. My son graduated from his special reading class and got student of the week. I have good food and a nice apartment, and the job I dreamt of for months. We are living where we want and doing what we want to do. What the fuck!? Crying myself to sleep, seriously? Many people would be blissed out beyond belief to be in my shoes.

I am not going to cry tonight. There are so many good things... I just needed a SNAP! Thank you for helping me. Tomorrow I am going to the river outside our apartment, and I am going to pick wild flowers. Then I am going to throw rocks into the river with my sons. I am going to make lunch and sit on the porch and read books (maybe even the stop smoking book I got from the library?), and then work on Garrett's student of the week project with him.

There are just two more things:
1) FUCK YOU DEPRESSION
2) I'm sorry for being a cry-baby.

I love you,
Me.