Awestruck

I am awestruck with him on a daily basis. I know some people think they have it really great, that the love they have is indescribable. Somehow I think what I have is better than anyone else though. Perhaps I am conceited or maybe it really is true. Do I deserve this love? I hope so.

I spoke with Jess in Massachusettes today. She asked how I got so lucky. How I had such a good life and such a great love. She asked if I ever doubted him or thought about other people or a different scenario. She asked if he really just put up with my shit all the time. Well, that's not it. I mean, I do have a lot of shit. However, my shit doesn't hit the fan, if you will, like it used to. I am happy with Ben and he makes me want to be a better person. With him I am generally stable, and that says a lot for me.

Last night Ben got offered a job, a job that fits well into our lives. He was reading the e-mail which stated that he was to start on Sunday...Easter Sunday... and I broke down in tears. I couldn't even say anything. I realize we aren't religious and that we really didn't have plans at all, but the fact that I would have to do Easter Bunny stuff and baskets and eggs alone was just too much to bear. I was heart-broken. However, I was heart-broken for no reason. Ben told her he couldn't start yet. That it was Easter and he had plans.

I am an idiot sometimes. It's hard for me to believe that someone cares about me. I can't grasp how someone looks at me and actually feels my pain. It hurts Ben when I am hurt. I still cried myself to sleep; but that's another story, another day. Honestly, I believe I was crying because Ben truly cares. I don't know how to comprehend or handle that kind of love, I think.

So, to answer Jess, I don't know. I don't know how or why I am so lucky. I don't know how or why he puts up with my shit. However, he does; he does it with grace and seemingly without effort. He loves me, even when I feel un-lovable. When I wake up in the morning, I am sure. I am completely and utterly sure when so many other times I was not.

Simply put, I am awestruck with him on a daily basis.