Ben and Mel Mornings

I should be getting ready for work right now. I should be taking a shower and getting ready to head to the bad china food shop. I should have worked for Astrid today, even though it is my day off. Ben should be asleep and Garrett should be at school. I should be wearing black and be primping up my hair. I am not, though. I will not be working today. Today is my day off. However, I could have worked. I wanted to work. If I were at work, I would be distracted from the big picture. I wouldn't feel such loss and distance. Ben is not asleep today. Fridays have changed. I already lost Monday. I wasn't prepared for Fridays, too. I am just realizing this now. Our schedule is different this week, and I fear it will be different from here on out. Ben has been mixing bagels as well as baking bagels. What used to be our two mornings together are now our mornings apart. I used to take the kids to school, come home, and climb into bed; or I would do the dishes and laundry and until Ben woke up. We would have coffee together and talk. I would read the newspaper while he did soduko. This was more than just time, it was connection. Where did it go? How can we get it back? Dropping Ben off at The Bagel Shop today saddenned me. I know I am selfish; it's him that has to work fourteen straight hours today. I know he hasn't been feeling well. I just can't help but feel distance between us. I miss my Ben and Mel mornings.