Made Up Scenarios

In the distance, there is a girl sitting on a bed, crying to her love that he has lied to her. He kept secrets. He has hidden agendas. More crying and yelling. Turns out, this girl is trying to make her lover into a monster. She has created a scenario in her head that doesn't exsist. Upon realizing this, she leans against their bedroom door and sobs. Later, she climbs into bed with her love. He puts his arm around her and tells her he loves her. She believes him. She is sad. She is sorry. I am unworthy and insecure. No, not really. In my little world, though, I have a deeply profound feeling of unworthiness. My mother left me for drugs. My father left me for love of another. My grandmother left me for cancer. My ex-husband left me for fear. I have been left. I feel unworthy. I am insecure. I would like to pretend that I have no emotional scars based upon my childhood and early adult life. It's crap, though. Everybody knows I have issues. If I were a smart girl, I would just go to therapy and pray to whatever god that it would help me. A therapist can't help, though. Not if I am unwilling to go. At the age of 27, I am realizing that no one can have a crack-whore for a mom and get away scratch-free. I am hurt. I have hurt myself and those close to me based on my insecurities. I am unwilling to let others love me wholly, because I am afraid they will only leave. My mother loved her drug more than her daughter. How depressing. Is it any wonder I'm a fucking mess? It shouldn't be.