Misunderstood, But Willing To Comply.

I am misunderstood. I will always be misunderstood. Sitting here this evening, I am content with this realization. I feel like I am liberated. Never before have I made peace with the fact that some things are not meant to be solved. I am one of those things. You can't solve me. I totally get it.

No, I don't try to impress you with the things I put here, in this blog. I suppose before now, I have tried to explain myself, or have tried to make you understand. I realize now, however, that it is impossible. From this point on, I suppose I will try to connect with you in some way or another. It is by connection that compassion is born. It is through connection that love is obtained.

Is it not said that the connection between child and mother takes place early, and those fist moments together tie mother and child together for life? That bond sticks with you, teaches you love; no matter what. I had that bond, or so I think... and I also believe I lost it. I believe I truly lost the ability to bond and to love truly. Maybe my plight in life is to learn to have that bond and to love, whether it be my children, my family, or my partner. I hope that through this writing we can somehow connect. Perhaps we can somehow bond, and I can love you. Maybe you can even love me.

I am not trying to impress you, so please don't flatter yourself. I am not trying to win you over as the girl who came out of the shit-filled life and came to riches. I am not that girl.

However, I am a girl. I am a girl, living in the world, learning on a daily basis exactly what life is about and what the purpose of living is. I am a girl who has good days and bad days, a girl who takes "happy pills", and girl who tries hard. I am a girl who has nightmares, a girl who has a hard time paying bills, but never leaves her kids without. I am a girl who spends nights in psychatric wards, yet a girl who is completely sane most days. I am a girl who never gives up hope of a better tomorrow. I am a girl who lives each day like it is her last, and a girl who lives each day like it the first day of her new life. I am a girl who loves everyone and judges nobody. I am a girl who likes to cook as much as she likes to eat frozen pizza.

Truth be told, I am just like you. I am a daughter, a sister, a neice, a grand-daughter, a mother, a dreamer, and a person. I am like you. I am no different. I am no more or less important on this planet we live on; in this great creation we live each day.

When you read what I write, read with an open mind. Read with enthusiasm. Read with the intention of learning what goes through the mind of a person on a day; a person you are somehow connected to. Yes, I may use garbage language or slur and slander a situation.

Ce La Vie. In my world, some things are garbage, many things are slured, and slander is something of an everday occurance. Please, catch your breath.

Get this: This girl behind the computer is me. I am Mel. I am real. I am writing not to offend, just to be. I am here being me.

You Know The Truth. The Story Gets Old.

Nope, just as the title said, this here is a suck fucknig-fest, as I like to call it. It is what it is. There is no eloquence here, so fuck off if it offends you. If it offends you, maybe it's written for you, or about you. And if it doesn't, good for you. However, I am going to write it anyhow. Please, don't take offense in either case. My true love for you still remains.

So, here, a couple things I am tired of hearing about and tired of explaining. You think you know what a psychological mess I am? You have no idea. I am happy and free and content. Though, many people believe I still should have scars, and maybe I do. I am always here to answer your questions. And these are the ones you are afraid to ask, and these are the ones I am afraid to answer. We are all faced with difficult questions from time to time.

So, yes. My mother was a crack-addicted prostitute who used to turn tricks while I was in the car. She still loved me, and she still does. Does your mother love you?

And, yes, I still know how to love you, even if you are using the same drugs that pulled me into a million pieces as a child. Because I trust you, and I love you; I am willing to put myself out there for you.

So, yes. I had a one-night stand with a guy I thought was a million bucks while I was drunk on night, and now we have a child. And, no. I don't hear from him, nor do I want to. I am contet with that. I don't consider myself a slut, and I hope you don't either; even though I know you do. And the other guy, he's a fuck up too, even though I was married to him. I don't give a shit if he isn't around. I have no regrets.
Dead-beat. That's the word I keep in my throat. Have you ever heard that? I don't hold it in my vocabulary, because I am forgiving, and I know what's best.

So, yes. My father drinks too much... don't you have issues as well?

So,yes. I smoke fucking cigarettes. There are worse things, right?

So, yes. I am not a fucking soccer mom. Oh well, My kids are happy.

So, yes.... I am a fucking server at a restaurant, and I make a ton of money.... Are you jealous?

In a nutshell... I am tired of being judged for the same shit over and over again. My world is content and happy. What makes you happy? Whatever you want, take it. Get it. I will love you just the same.
I don't name call, and I never will.

I feel like a widow and an orphan. But I know how to love.
And i have faith.

It may not be in God, but I still have faith.
I have tremendous faith.

I hope it stays.

Not What We Wanted, but Exactly What We Wanted

I have written it and re-written it.  I am trying to make it interesting to the reader.  However, being awake at six in the morning leaves my brain a little foggy, and I am afraid no amount of coffee may bring me to reality very quickly.  I am up, early, and I feel like a bazillion dollars.  Ben went to work twenty minutes ago... and he will go to work again at three this afternoon.  Suck?  Yes.  My day off?  Yes.  However, I am sitting at the computer feeling ever hopeful and amazing because Ben only has Friday this week.... He works tonight, and then Friday.  Friday he cooks dinner for Robert Parker, and then (if all goes well), he is off the schedule for Press.  He will work normal hours (not seventy per week) and he will be home in the evenings.... YAY!
 
I was thinking last week that Ben and I had to steal away to the mountains or the ocean to a remote town with no people to have time together.  I was ready to move from Napa.  I thought Napa was draining, that we had become slaves the the work and the phenomenal restaurants and the lifestyle and to money.  I planned elaborate trips for two days at a time, trying to steal moments we had to work desperately for.  I fought the schools to take the kids out, and bargained with resorts to get a night for free. 
 
This week, Ben had three and a half days off, IN A ROW!  Amazing what a little time will do for the soul, for a relationship, for a family.  I feel like a new person, I feel like Napa will do.  I feel like there is opportunity here to be great and do great things, and not work to complete peril to achieve those things.  Last week, afterall, we had a movie night, we had a night where we made chicken noodle soup, homework was done and rooms were clean.  I enjoyed doing the laundry with Ben and buying new wash clothes for the bathroom.  I enjoyed feeling like I had a family here in Napa.  I seriously felt hope, and it was nice.
 
Of course, now that Ben is working only one job, I will be working more.  However, the money at my restaurant is more than sufficient to suffice, and I will make a point to have no less than three nights at home, in a row, each week.  My kids will have a schedule that is appropriate and a routine that is consistant.  Ben and I will have time together, to make our relationship great... well, greater than it already is.
 
Napa, maybe it's okay.  Maybe it isn't for the long term, I don't really know and can't say for sure.  Ben said I could do whatever I wanted.  I want whatever makes us happy.  I just want time to dwell in the happiness that my family holds.
 
Now, on to manic monday, Pancakes!  I can't wait for my kids to come up those stairs, and to get the next text message from my lovee love.  It's six seventeen, and I am happy.
 
By the way, for those who TRULY know me, get this:  Last night was Halloween, and Roxanne never came out.  The cheshire cat was shining in the moon, and I smiled back, completely content with my life.
 
I am so happy.

Okay, Done Ranting Now. Kind Of :)

So, now it is two in the morning. I don't know how to express any furthur my disdain for the current condition of the public school system regaurding my son, so I am going to move on furthur into my rant regaurding the here and now.

Mind you that I am extremely happy, even as I am writing. Mind you that these are just observations and thoughts about things as they are and what I expect in the near future. I am in no way unhappy or discontent. I love my life, just as it is.

I just have a few things which should be adressed.

Number one: Napa is not all it was expected to be. I mean, you have expectations, and you are always disappointed. I get that. I knew that. I know that. It's almost like assuming makes an ass out of You and of Me. Duh.

So, Ben and I sat down one day and we said, "Let's move to Napa." Six weeks later, we did just that. Napa was the land of opportunity. A land of good wine and of good food. This was the place where our dreams would come true. Flash forward seven months, and: we are in the land of good wine, and great food. The markets are beautiful, we have great friends. We drive north or south, and there are wonderful things (like the city and resaurants and world-renown wineries). Billions of dollars are spent each year by people pretending to live the life we live. Crazy!

I have the BEST job, the job that ALL servers covet, working for the Iron Chef Himself, Morimoto San. People come in star stuck and only wanting a picture with him (their life dream?) I work with and for this guy on a daily basis. I have had beers with him and chances are I will have Thanksgiving Dinner with him. Wow! Let me just say, for those who don't know: This is impressive. Morimoto San is the pillar of all seafood goodness and creative genius, up there with Thomas Keller and French Laundry. I helped open his "baby" in Napa, California. I am very privelaged (and financially aware of this opportunity).

Ben has GREAT jobs. He works the the Rudd EMPIRE! Leslie Rudd owns and operates and donates so much to Saint Helena, and is truly a staple of what Saint Helena and fine dining (and money) is about The Rudd Institute of Wine and Dean and Deluca. Ben also works at the Bed and Breakfast here in Napa, which is phenomenal! The White House. He works directly under the Executive Chef, and has transformed the way the Inn and their breakfast service works.

Money. Ha. We have so much money, it's like a dream come true. We could buy anything we want, but not EVERYTHING we want. Don't be confused. As a person who has worked very hard for everything they have had (disregaurd braces), I am excited. I spent a lot, like a money addict. Now, I am saving. I am rebuilding my credit and paying bills on time, and I am still having fun in the meantime (without going too crazy). Ben and I are on a level which is appropriate, in most ways.

I say "most ways" because we work A LOT! Well, mostly Ben does at this point. It's hard to go from working very hard to just make ends meet, to all of a sudden realizing everything is great, and it's okay to relax. It took me a while to find a job here in Napa that worked for us, and Ben picked up two jobs right away. He has been working 70+ hours per week since March. I know he is tired. However, once you have put in a lot of time to a certain place, how do you back off or quit? After all, time invested is important, especially when you know you're good at what you do. And, the busy season will be over soon, right?

When I got the job at Morimoto, I did the same... sixty plus hours per week, mostly nights. Some times days and then nights and then more and more hours and Blah! Balancing kids and training and studying and school and babysitters, I can't say it wasn't and is not hard; but I try to balance things (still) to the best of my ability.

The money, the work, the time, the lack of time. It's all very addicting.

So, all this writing and the bottom line is this: Ben and I are great. Is Napa what we expected, what we wanted? Yes, and No (as far as I am concerned, at least).

Yesterday, we left for the coast. No work for either of us. Today we came home. No work for either of us again. Two DAYS! In A ROW! I had to request days off, Garrett had to miss school, and Ben was getting over being sick. It was perfect, and here is why: It was the FIRST time since March 17th of 2010 that Ben and I BOTH had two complete days off in a row, together. The first time since arriving in Napa.

It was the FIRST time that we could plan a "getaway" with the family, and even though we had to pull strings it was worth it.

What I realized, however, is this: Yuck, and nope. This aint it.

Napa is Great. It is hot, and it is October 14th. There is no snow. It was over one hundred degrees today, and I am mostly thankful that we were at the coast (and that we had AC when we got home). The last forty miles toward our house were covered in Ferraris, Porches and other unmentionable expensive luxury cars. The hills and valleys were draped with grape vines and wineries, none of which we have ever been to; Mostly we lack the time. It reminds me of how I lived in Ashland for so long, and never saw ANY Shakespeare (except of couse, the Greene Shows). What is the point?

So, it is harvest now. The grapes are coming off the vines, and the valley smells like rotten fruit. I am looking forward to cooler weather and a change of schedule that might alot more time for the family, especially after the "busy season". We however, have not been here through the "slow season", so only time will tell.

The coast, the beach, the get-away was bitter sweet for me. I want it back. I want it back RIGHT NOW. I want my phone to continually prompt me for the time zone, unsure of where in reality we are. I want the time we had in the redwoods, doing nothing. I want the bottle of Beaujalais, the olives, the hummus, the apples. Ben and I wandering around the forrest and the beach. I want the kids running and skipping rocks in the river, finding places to hide; pretending to be pirates an alligator hunters.

I want that to last, forever. I want peace and quiet and slowness to be a way of life for us.

I want it all, with Ben. I want it all with my boys. I want it all (slowly); I want to take it all in. I want it one breath at a time.

Hello October.... Salud Napa.

Okay, One AM. Well, One Twelve AM and counting. It may be One Thirty by the time I smoke and actually bunker down to write. I smell a skunk outside, and it is somehow enchantingly summoning. Dirty skunks, like the dirty skunk weed we smelled the entire way to the coast, or like the skunk we almost ran over on the way home (the guy in front of us hit it first). Skunk, like the way my Stella Artois smelled when it was warm at nine in the morning on the beach. Skunk, black and white, like a memory of good and not so good things, permeating, perverse, and prevailant.

This, then, is about things that linger, whether good or bad. Things that prevail in the long term... like the smell of a skunk. Eventually you get used to it; The things that make you think at One or Two in the morning. This is about life, as it is. This is about Napa, after a day away.

I loved being away. I was so excited. I planned and requested days off to match Bens, I woke up early after working and going to bed late. I did good stuff and took the movies back to the Redbox before we left. I took Nate to school and got quarters to do the laundry we needed. I met with Garrett's teacher to get his homework we needed, as arranged.

STOP. Yeps, I met with Garrett's teacher before school on Wednesday (as arranged), to get the work Garrett would miss while away for two days. We turned in the previous homework and got new books and spoke with the teacher and signed permission slips........ and wow. What a conundrum. After all, I had missed our meeting on Friday afternoon.

Okay, so granted, I missed it and did not call to let her know. She was waiting for us. She called and left a "short" message with Ben, as well as with me. However, I had a twelve-top at Morimoto, and there was no school that day. Garrett sat in the PDR and had family meal and played gameboy while I worked on the floor. Ben was working his 15 hour day. The meeting that we had planned two weeks before was the last thing on my mind. I just wanted to make it through the day with no school and no day care. Great that she got the day off to meet with parents. I did not. I had to work, and it was important that I was there. So important, as a fact, that Garrett had to sit there and wait for me in the back room.

Monday morning and he has to go to school... what to expect? He has to follow all the rules. I have laundry and another appointment too. :) I rhyme:). So, I send him off and call right away. Dear Mrs. Todd, I am super sorry, let's reschedule. By the way, Garrett is leaving and will be gone on Wednesday and Thursday. No problem, we will meet you on Wednesday AM, before we leave town. See you at Seven thirty AM. Cool. I get that you have to get to work early to meet, and I will be there (I am getting up early too, duh).

Meeting. Garrett seems super afraid of his teacher, and I am, quite frankly, a little nervous as well. She tells him to grab his card and then questions his about his card and whether he remembers where it is. Then, looking over his homework, she notices he missed the bottom page of one of the math sheets. "Garrett, you missed this. Big FROWN drawn on the top." Okay... so he missed a couple problems. No biggie.
"Do you know you, as a parent, should look over this before he turns it in?"

Okay, lady. I came here to meet with you... Yes, I care. I get it. "I sit with him and do his homework each night that I can, Mrs. Todd". "You aren't supposed to do his homework for him."

Okay, so Garrett is apparently nervous, and Mrs. Todd thinks I do his homework for him. Got it. Thanks, Mrs. Todd, we will see you on Friday!

As we are walking out, she says, "Oh, yes, I have a permission slip for you to sign. If you were here at the conference, you would have had it." Got it, I will sign it and say thank you again.

"One last thing, when you are going to be gone, we require another paper to be signed. And you know, I won't tell you how to live your life, but the School District really frowns upon things like this."

Oh Mrs. Todd. You are lucky I am going to walk out this door and forget each moment of this meeting, because I am going on Vacation and I will not let you ruin my day. Nor will I allow you to make my seven year old son nervous because the school district is losing money over his two days gone.

Oh well.

In my mind, just so you know, I am formulating each and every thought I have about the school district, the school, the principal, the cafeteria, the credentials, your teaching style, the kids in class and their learning style, as well as what is expected of 2nd graders around the globe in the next three days. Top that with the knowledge i am gaining of acceptable math and reading comprehention scores that are necessary for stars testing and funding for schools in California, and you can expect I will be ready for our conference on Monday afternoon.

I am looking forward to it, and am hoping we can have intelligible conversation regaurding what is expected of my Seven Year Old Son Garrett this Year.

Sincerely, Melissa.