Ben and Mel Mornings

I should be getting ready for work right now. I should be taking a shower and getting ready to head to the bad china food shop. I should have worked for Astrid today, even though it is my day off. Ben should be asleep and Garrett should be at school. I should be wearing black and be primping up my hair. I am not, though. I will not be working today. Today is my day off. However, I could have worked. I wanted to work. If I were at work, I would be distracted from the big picture. I wouldn't feel such loss and distance. Ben is not asleep today. Fridays have changed. I already lost Monday. I wasn't prepared for Fridays, too. I am just realizing this now. Our schedule is different this week, and I fear it will be different from here on out. Ben has been mixing bagels as well as baking bagels. What used to be our two mornings together are now our mornings apart. I used to take the kids to school, come home, and climb into bed; or I would do the dishes and laundry and until Ben woke up. We would have coffee together and talk. I would read the newspaper while he did soduko. This was more than just time, it was connection. Where did it go? How can we get it back? Dropping Ben off at The Bagel Shop today saddenned me. I know I am selfish; it's him that has to work fourteen straight hours today. I know he hasn't been feeling well. I just can't help but feel distance between us. I miss my Ben and Mel mornings.

Just One More

Just one more. Just one more cigarette and one more beer while I write. That's all. That's what will complete this evening for me. Garrett got sent home from school today, with lice. To most people that would be detrimental. To me, that was the least of my worries. Garrett needed to go home, and Olivia was the one who got the phone call. Olivia, my seventeen year old sister, got that phone call. What the hell? This is my biggest worry. I am Garrett's mom. I have a phone number, which I realize has changed over the past few months. However, I have given notice to the school several times that the change took place. Ben has a phone number also, he should be called second. I have a work phone number. However, Olivia got the call first. Fucking wrong. Not being able to get ahold of a kids mother is just plain wrong. Twelve kids in Miss Laura's class being sent home this week because of a lice outbreak? That is wrong. Garrett having lice and being treated twice in the past two weeks? That's wrong. Do you realize, that, at the laundrymat, it costs two dollars a wash and two dollars per dryer per every load of laundry you have to do? Add that up, would you? Add to that the time it takes to treat all the carpets and bedding and coats; plus do not forget the cost of Rid Carpet treatment and Anti-Lice shampoo, as well as "oh god, what do we do with our six down comforters, the only blankets we have to keep us warm tonight?" problem. I want to shave heads. Ben says no. Ben isn't feeling well. It's his day off. The kids won't behave, and Garrett is home from school. He is crying, he has lice. Nate is not behaving or listening. I serve seventy people in a matter of two hours today. Fat people that want bad asian food, and I am tired. However, I made a hundred and forty dollars today, enough to pay for the most current lice outbreak, and I did it in a matter of four hours. My feet ache. I go home to lice and a cranky love. Well, he isn't cranky so much. He just doesn't feel good. I can understand. The kids are driving us both crazy. Oh well, life goes on. I eventually get the kids into bed. I call Olivia. I want her to babysit, again. It would be the third time this week. I haven't paid her yet, but I will. It just takes me some time, is all, especially when I have lice to pay for. She says no, of course. Garrett has lice, why would she want to expose herself to that atrocity? Ben and I realize that spontinaety does not exist in our world. He misses it, but to me it is all I have ever known. What the fuck is doing what you want when you want, anyhow? It doesn't exist when there are three of you. Garrett is in the spare bedroom. Nate is in his bed. There are no sheets.... oh well. I can only do my best. I decide on a movie, An Affair Of Love, and it is good. Ben joins me for the second half of it. We have a beer together. Now, it is nearly eleven PM. I should be heading to bed. I need just one more, though. Just one more cigarette. Just one more beer. Just one more moment to write. I haven't had a moment today. I haven't had a moment of silence or peace, or solitude, and I have it now. I will take this moment and make it mine. Just one more, yep.

ENOUGH ALREADY

So, yesterday I posted that Sunday would be hard. Fuck man. Last night was hard. Last night was brutal. The first phone call came in... yes, Ben. I am at Alex's. See you in three. The second call now. "Is that Allysha that just walked in?" Sonya kicks my leg. Fuck. Yes. Fuck. It is her. Oh god. This is not what I had wanted for the evening. No. Ben - go get us a beer. I know you want to say hello to your friend. I didn't fucking say hang out with her. NO. I said please get us a beer. Invite her to our table if you must, but don't fucking stay there with her. Well, of course she joins. Of Fucking Course. Talking ensues. I am becoming increasingly more uncomfortable. He is looking at her the way he looks at me. I may vomit. "Hey! Allysha! Come smoke with us!". At this point Ben is holding her cigarettes. I ask for them, so I could look at them, and he hands them to Allysha. Did he just touch her hand? Oh god, I am imagining things again. Outside. "Allysha you make me uncomfortable and I am insecure around you. There has to be some sort of boundaries in our world." Her response is that she doesn't handle being told what to do very well. Fuck. This goes on and on. I am sick to my stomach. Why in the FUCK would this girl walk upon something so great (un-intentionally) fucking it up just because she can? Enough already. I can't fucking handle the fight. I am physically ill. This is between Ben and Allysha. I am not involved. I have given power to Allysha. Power over me and my well-being. Power over my relationship. I am seeing distance where it wasn't before. I am pushing and pulling and fucking things up again. Ben and I have built a life TOGETHER! I will not allow a silly girl take over my rational self or my relationship. Enough already! I am done. I am going to sit back and watch the show, and attempt my greatest measure of trust I have ever known. I trust that Ben will do right. I trust him with my kids. I trust him with my body. It is time for me to trust him with my heart. In the meantime, Sunday looms.

Sunday

It all started on July 29th, from what I can remember. "Maybe if I asked the state department nicely, they would give me a passport, and I would be on the next plane to see that fucking girl." That was the message. That was the beginning of my skewed world. This is the test: Allysha is coming to dinner. I am secure in my insecurity. I know it exists. I have to give it the respect it deservea, however, I do not have to give it power over me. It is an insecurity, not a fact. It is a mind-set, not a thing. I am Mel. I am loved. I am just going to keep telling myself that. I know women. I know myself. I know nostalgia. I do not trust women. However, I trust my love. This week until Sunday will be hard for me. I will not lie. However, it is a stepping stone to security. If we pass this huge mark, where will that leave us? I hope to be friends with this woman, this past love. I hope to be content and secure with this. I hope my love doesn't lose a friend. I hope my love doesn't lose me. I hope I don't lose love. Or take love for granted. Only sunday will tell.

Made Up Scenarios

In the distance, there is a girl sitting on a bed, crying to her love that he has lied to her. He kept secrets. He has hidden agendas. More crying and yelling. Turns out, this girl is trying to make her lover into a monster. She has created a scenario in her head that doesn't exsist. Upon realizing this, she leans against their bedroom door and sobs. Later, she climbs into bed with her love. He puts his arm around her and tells her he loves her. She believes him. She is sad. She is sorry. I am unworthy and insecure. No, not really. In my little world, though, I have a deeply profound feeling of unworthiness. My mother left me for drugs. My father left me for love of another. My grandmother left me for cancer. My ex-husband left me for fear. I have been left. I feel unworthy. I am insecure. I would like to pretend that I have no emotional scars based upon my childhood and early adult life. It's crap, though. Everybody knows I have issues. If I were a smart girl, I would just go to therapy and pray to whatever god that it would help me. A therapist can't help, though. Not if I am unwilling to go. At the age of 27, I am realizing that no one can have a crack-whore for a mom and get away scratch-free. I am hurt. I have hurt myself and those close to me based on my insecurities. I am unwilling to let others love me wholly, because I am afraid they will only leave. My mother loved her drug more than her daughter. How depressing. Is it any wonder I'm a fucking mess? It shouldn't be.