I could try to write this a million times, and there is no way to make it appropriate for all viewers. Most people, during one sentence or another, are bound to become upset, especially if they are directly involved. However, I have set out to tell the truth, and I have no apologies for my truth. So, be prepared to read on.
Olivia was here two nights ago, at my home in Napa. It was nice to have her. She called it a "mel-lo" night. Can you believe that? I am mellow. I am twenty seven years old, and for the first time in my life, I am mellow. I don't know what brought it on, whether it is maturity or knowledge or just plain understanding. However, what it is is Beautiful, and real.
Last year, I was un-invited from the Sheep Ranch Party. Fuck Sheep Ranch, and Fuck My Family, I thought. Technically, I was not un-invited, I just wasn't welcome. My family was afraid of my angry behaviour. Today, I understand. I have been known to lash out because of my past and my perceptions. For example, if you were to ask me about my kids' fathers, and then leave me feeling worthless, what am I left to do besides become angry? Afterall, their dads left me feeling worthless, and I rose to the occasion. If you loved me, why should you judge me and re-affirm that feeling? You shoud be soooo proud of what I am doing for these kids, despite my adversity. These were my thoughts.
You get a single mom working two jobs short on sleep without a cigarette and a night off in three months going out of her way to even make an appearance at a family function when she may just about be completely out of patience and time and and has four appointments she had to reschedule to see you and all you want to do is question why she does what she does alone and where is the father and what do you expect?!
Now I understand. I understand why there were so many assumptions. I understand why I was angry. Default in communication and in understanding. I have hurt, and I have loved, and loving has led me to hurt.
Garrett and I go to a psychologist once a week. Nate doesn't join us... maybe he is too young. It is good though. It is really good. I took Garrett to see this man on his own, and after one time seeing me the doctor said family therapy was in order. I am privelaged to have a good doctor. A person to make sense of my chaos, or at least lead me in the right direction......
There is so much more to write. SO FUCKING MUCH MORE! The more I write, the futher distracted I become. I should be studying. Morimoto is big in my world right now.
Maybe this is the best way, to write a little bit each night before bed? For those of you who read, let me know.... would you read each night or each morning? Would my life on a page interest you? Could you handle the truth?
I saw a psychic once, and she said very little. She said: You will be married twice. Your son has artistic hands, don't hold him back. You will speak out near the middle of your twenties, generally becoming whole near your thirtieth year.
I can hold that.... I can trust that.
I spoke to a psychic before we moved to Napa, also..... but that's another day.
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