Too Much... Love

I have too much in my mind tonight. So much, I don't even know where to begin or where to end. I guess it begins here.... maybe it never really does end. Life is a hoot, as it were. Tonight, I watched three times as the deer stole away into my yard. I was smoking, contently. They were chewing. How nice for them, to find solace in the foliage of my yard, whch I call home. So happy they are to just be here, uninterupted. And in my head I know I take this for granted. In my heart I know I do not. I too am happy. It's a feeling I can hardly put into words. Twenty six years I've been unhappy. Twenty six years I was alone. Ben is my soul. It was very hard when he cried in my arms tonight while he lay inside me. Completely still. My heart was still. Have I nothing to say to him? Am I so heartless, that in a delicate moment, I could not even produce (any) words to console? I am happy, and SO IN LOVE!!! Why couldn't I just say it? Now a half an hour later, I am here. My living room on my computer. Unable to express my words in vocal tones, I write. Maybe this is foliage. Maybe this is my yard, and I chew here. I don't know. There is more. I saw my sister, home from France. It seemed as though she had never been away... three months was all. She seemed somehow different, though. I can't help but wonder: Is it her or I that has changed. O how this love has made impact on me. My Ben. I know he is in bed, wonderring where I have gone. I am here. I am more here than ever. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I will be here.