Shock and Awe

I'm living in shock and awe, and trying to do my best.

Shock! - Ben is working constantly!!!!! He is running a restaurant basically single handedly!!!! He's gone all the time!!!!

Awe!!! We have money, I can't accept a job due to conflict in schedules, Garrett is popular, and I am BORED!!!!

The aftermath of shock and awe was destruction. I have been destructive. I have been destructive to my relationship and to myself, and to my family.

I can't control my relationship, so I am trying to control other things. The dishes are done and the laundry is clean and put away. I am angry and am tracking minutes. I am angry with Ben because I feel insecure and jealous, and because he had a beer with his brother after work.

I am not working, and it's driving me mad. I have lost control in one area, and I play it out. I scream and yell and cry and blame.

Fact is: Ben is working at a great job, and is just trying to help our family and make money. Fact is: I should support Ben and be his shoulder to lean on.

Here's the conclusion: I'm an OCPD mess with a lack of control. I am going to lose my relationship and my family and everything I hold dear. My family deserves better.

I upped my dose of celexa like my psychiatrist told me to do, if there were transitional problems. I feel better today than I have in a week. I feel like writing, and that's a start, right?