You Know The Truth. The Story Gets Old.

Nope, just as the title said, this here is a suck fucknig-fest, as I like to call it. It is what it is. There is no eloquence here, so fuck off if it offends you. If it offends you, maybe it's written for you, or about you. And if it doesn't, good for you. However, I am going to write it anyhow. Please, don't take offense in either case. My true love for you still remains.

So, here, a couple things I am tired of hearing about and tired of explaining. You think you know what a psychological mess I am? You have no idea. I am happy and free and content. Though, many people believe I still should have scars, and maybe I do. I am always here to answer your questions. And these are the ones you are afraid to ask, and these are the ones I am afraid to answer. We are all faced with difficult questions from time to time.

So, yes. My mother was a crack-addicted prostitute who used to turn tricks while I was in the car. She still loved me, and she still does. Does your mother love you?

And, yes, I still know how to love you, even if you are using the same drugs that pulled me into a million pieces as a child. Because I trust you, and I love you; I am willing to put myself out there for you.

So, yes. I had a one-night stand with a guy I thought was a million bucks while I was drunk on night, and now we have a child. And, no. I don't hear from him, nor do I want to. I am contet with that. I don't consider myself a slut, and I hope you don't either; even though I know you do. And the other guy, he's a fuck up too, even though I was married to him. I don't give a shit if he isn't around. I have no regrets.
Dead-beat. That's the word I keep in my throat. Have you ever heard that? I don't hold it in my vocabulary, because I am forgiving, and I know what's best.

So, yes. My father drinks too much... don't you have issues as well?

So,yes. I smoke fucking cigarettes. There are worse things, right?

So, yes. I am not a fucking soccer mom. Oh well, My kids are happy.

So, yes.... I am a fucking server at a restaurant, and I make a ton of money.... Are you jealous?

In a nutshell... I am tired of being judged for the same shit over and over again. My world is content and happy. What makes you happy? Whatever you want, take it. Get it. I will love you just the same.
I don't name call, and I never will.

I feel like a widow and an orphan. But I know how to love.
And i have faith.

It may not be in God, but I still have faith.
I have tremendous faith.

I hope it stays.

Not What We Wanted, but Exactly What We Wanted

I have written it and re-written it.  I am trying to make it interesting to the reader.  However, being awake at six in the morning leaves my brain a little foggy, and I am afraid no amount of coffee may bring me to reality very quickly.  I am up, early, and I feel like a bazillion dollars.  Ben went to work twenty minutes ago... and he will go to work again at three this afternoon.  Suck?  Yes.  My day off?  Yes.  However, I am sitting at the computer feeling ever hopeful and amazing because Ben only has Friday this week.... He works tonight, and then Friday.  Friday he cooks dinner for Robert Parker, and then (if all goes well), he is off the schedule for Press.  He will work normal hours (not seventy per week) and he will be home in the evenings.... YAY!
 
I was thinking last week that Ben and I had to steal away to the mountains or the ocean to a remote town with no people to have time together.  I was ready to move from Napa.  I thought Napa was draining, that we had become slaves the the work and the phenomenal restaurants and the lifestyle and to money.  I planned elaborate trips for two days at a time, trying to steal moments we had to work desperately for.  I fought the schools to take the kids out, and bargained with resorts to get a night for free. 
 
This week, Ben had three and a half days off, IN A ROW!  Amazing what a little time will do for the soul, for a relationship, for a family.  I feel like a new person, I feel like Napa will do.  I feel like there is opportunity here to be great and do great things, and not work to complete peril to achieve those things.  Last week, afterall, we had a movie night, we had a night where we made chicken noodle soup, homework was done and rooms were clean.  I enjoyed doing the laundry with Ben and buying new wash clothes for the bathroom.  I enjoyed feeling like I had a family here in Napa.  I seriously felt hope, and it was nice.
 
Of course, now that Ben is working only one job, I will be working more.  However, the money at my restaurant is more than sufficient to suffice, and I will make a point to have no less than three nights at home, in a row, each week.  My kids will have a schedule that is appropriate and a routine that is consistant.  Ben and I will have time together, to make our relationship great... well, greater than it already is.
 
Napa, maybe it's okay.  Maybe it isn't for the long term, I don't really know and can't say for sure.  Ben said I could do whatever I wanted.  I want whatever makes us happy.  I just want time to dwell in the happiness that my family holds.
 
Now, on to manic monday, Pancakes!  I can't wait for my kids to come up those stairs, and to get the next text message from my lovee love.  It's six seventeen, and I am happy.
 
By the way, for those who TRULY know me, get this:  Last night was Halloween, and Roxanne never came out.  The cheshire cat was shining in the moon, and I smiled back, completely content with my life.
 
I am so happy.