Inspirion 1525. It's like Majik!

I shoud be in bed.  Well, I should be brushing my teeth and taking my pills and climbing into my bed, anyhow.   I know that sleep would elude and frustrate me, however, and here I sit.  Maybe it's the moon.  I have never really watched the calendar and the lunar events with regard to my writing.  Maybe I should start.  My horoscope today told me to avoid machinery.  Is my dell inspiron 1525 a piece of machienery?  I suppose, but with the name "inspiron" I figure I should be inspired. 
 
I am feeling pretty fucking inspired.
On with it then!  Two am, just like old times, and here I am sitting at the computer while my family rests in their beds.  I just don't have it in me to sleep.  I am having a very good time.
 
I miss Ben.  Our schedules have changed drastically this week, and although I had three nights with him, I am still missing him.  Fridays and Saturdays, we don't see eachother.  Hmmm.  I guess I wasn't thinking clearly when I said yes to this schedule, but three nights are better than none, right?  Ben is going to give notice, hopefully this week, and soon he will be home in the evening and he will only work in the morning for a bit.  I will have to choose how to make my schedule financially feasible and time-wise sustainable for my family.  We'll get it figured out, I am sure.
 

 I had a beautiful birthday with my friends, and going into my 29th (the first one doesn't count) year of life, I am ever hopeful of having a beautiful future in the life I have created.  I still have my demons, my dreadful fears, and my insecurities.  However, they seem to play less an important roll with each day that passes.  I feel like it's time to let go of my past hurts and focus on the here and now; the things that are happening with my family.  I hope only to progress from here.
 

 

So, Wow. So Much. So Fast. Happy 28th~

Olivia and I were driving to the ferry boat today in Vallejo, and I said to her, "Did you ever imagine a year ago that this would be happening today?" She said "No Way."

It's hard for me to belive where I am and where I have come from. I am going to forego the obvious here, and skip the drug-addicted mother and fucked-up early life I have had; I believe we have all had enough of that for the time being. I am going to go to the obvious. I am skipping to the here and now.

Here I am sitting at the computer at damn near two in the morning, and now I am pouring a glass of wine for myself. Here it is two days before my 28th birthday, and I have a lot to say; mind you, none of it is overly-important, but all of it matters. I will keep it simple, to the point. I will avoid the previous entries, and they are meaningless and emotionless in the big picture of the life of Me.

Ben and I live here, in Napa, CA. This was a dream of ours nearly ten months ago, and now it is a reality. We strived hard to be where we are, I now work for the fucking BEST and most popular restaurant on the whole west coast, and it's phenomenal. Ben is overworked (at yet another phenomenal restaurant or three), I am overworked. However, my schedule changes this week, and Ben has plans of being home more also. It's Our hardest sacrifice has been time. To lose something so real is hard. However, six months into Napa, we are feeling ready to take on the next challenge. We have the money, and now we need the time.

Our next challenge is a vacation. After our change of schedule and finances, where should we go? Where can we dissappear for a week to do NOTHING? If you have suggestions, please let me know.

The kids are well, they are growing and reading and getting hurt and being obnoxious and talking too much and making crazy messes of their rooms and wetting their pants at school and screaming over icecream and popcorn; but what more would a mother dream of? My children are generally happy, and in that regaurd I feel like I have won. Yay for that! In the mom department, I have at least a C average, which is better than a D. If I could just get that damn homework done, we'd be fine.

Ben and I? Well, each new day delivers new hope and promise of a future together which I never doubt. He is the love of my life, and no matter what "shit" comes up, we are always there for eachother at the end of the day. It's nice to have a partner, whether it's a parter in partying or in responsibilities. It's nice to have someone who trusts and understands me and all my craziness and unpredictability. I, in turn, trust him. Beyond all of the above, I love him. He loves me. Ben and I were made for eachother.

So, the kids, Ben, and I: We're phenomenal. I am looking forward to my next year of life as I never have before. I am exited to see what I have to offer the world, to offer to the lives of others, to see what will be brought into my life. I have faith, and I am open-minded to possibilities, which seem endless to me right now.

I have every intention of being closer to those around me. I want to be close to my family and take part in activities. I feel like I have made ground in my family functions and relations. I feel like there is understanding where there was none before. Mostly, I want my children to meet Jake and Mark, their second cousins. That would be fun! I am looking forward to my 28th year!

Dads, in a Nut Shell Which is a Mountain!

Okay, so I have two precious little boys with two different fathers.
 
I have to adress this issue, and how it relates to present day life for all of us. 
Let it be known, that if you ask, I will answer.  I generally become overwhelmed with questions regaurding fatherhood, and I become defensive.  This plays out, on my end, as bitchiness.  People ask, "Who is their father?"; Or, my favorite, "Where is their father?" 
 
Oh, the plight of the single mother, and the pity of the bystander.  This pity and plight is over-whelming and over present in my life, so I thought I should write about it.  You want the story, and I will give it to you.  Actually, you don't want the story, you just want the details.  You want the black and white, but there is a whole lot of gray area.  You should know ahead of time, that I hold no grudge against either man; against either father.  It is what is was and still is, and it has made myself and my boys who we are.   What has happened has happened, and there is no reversal.  There is no going back, no new decisions to be made... there now is only money and time.
 
Time?  I have all the time in the world.  Literally.  I have all the time.  Money?  Yes, I have all of that too.  I have never recieved a dime from either father.  Love?  Yes, I have all the love, as well.  I have all the love, which in turn makes up for the money and time.  Well, kinda.
 
When I was nineteen, I met the love of my life.  He was perfect.  We had so much FUN together.... we partied and transported drugs and went to school and got high on All sorts of shit.  We got married, and thought we were perfect.  However, I was discharged from "party-time", and got sent home.  I had no idea where "home" was for me, so I tried to make my own.  I tried to make a home with the "man" I was meant to be with.  We floundered and fell apart.  I became pregnant, and when he discovered this truth, he became unavailable.  I lived with my grandparents.  My grandma Rose, she carried me.  I called Susan and Dad. Dad is never up for confrontation. Susan offered an abortion free of charge. Jeremy fled as soon as he could reasonably flee, which was the moment I was distracted. 
 
Here we are nearly nine years later, and he has NEVER seen his son.  He has never sent a a mere penny or a card.  Oh well.  I have been here.  As crazy as it is, I think he is already doing much better than I ever was.  At least he as ONE person who is ALWAYS there for him.
 
Flash forward, past much time and a relocation and failed relationship times two... and I am pregnant again.  This time, I live in Ashland, OR.  I am pregnant with a vagrant's son who just looked good to my drunk ass one night.  I was drunk and he was cute, and now I have a kid.  How far I have come.