Yes, I am the monster. My day was essentially ruined today until Ben walked in the door. I was so afraid of the things I thought were going to happen that I was geared up for the apocolypse. I was afraid of abandonment and the worst possible scenario, so much so that I was unable to contribute to my day and to be a whole person. I know a couple of you were even upset. You thought without a doubt that I was making the wrong decision by staying where I am.
I was cutting onions, garlic and carrots when Ben walked in tonight. He came in and told me how much he loved me. He said dinner smelled wonderful, and told me how excited he was to be home with us for the night. This is the monster I created, and he's home. He is not a monster afterall. The monster is in my head. The monster is my fear of not being good enough, of being left behind. The monster is the OCPD that controls my thoughts. The monster is dead for the night.
I'm sorry to have misled you, and I am sorry to have misled myself. My children? There were and are questions of whether my children share my fears; whether they feel loved. Honestly my children don't possess my fears as I do. My fears are unfounded. I shield my children each day from my head and my thoughts. This is what they deserve. This is how they remain stable and whole.
My love is real, as is Ben's love for me and my children; though I know it is unrelentingly complicated. Ben is sitting now, doing I things, while I am writing. We have nothing but love for eachother. I am so essentially relieved that what we feel is real. It is what I believe is true. I believe we were made for it. It's just so hard to believe for me. We were made to love each other.
There was a time that, if I felt unloved, I would leave and never come back. There were several of those times and moments. Those moments shaped my future. There was a time when fear would take over rationality. I'm glad I am not that person today. I am grateful to have gotten that out of my system.
My poached chicken ala Martha Stewart was delightful tonight. Ben said it was the best he had ever had; he doesn't take food lightly, so I believe him. I sauteed the onions and garlic well, browned the chicken and added the broth, thyme and peppercorns just at the right moment. We were all proud of me, even the kids who ate it all gone. Even the Jasmine Rice I served it over was cooked to perfection. Being that I don't cook, the novelty of it is grand. I get better each day, and each day that Ben is home I raise I expectations of a perfect meal to create. It gives me a purpose, feeding my family good organic things. It gives an even greater sense of achievement to have Ben here, to have someone to appreciate the effort I make.
Ben is now using my foot as the gas pedal to his imaginary 1973 Nova 454(seriously).... and we are rounding the curves with ease. My fears were just my fears. My children are great, we are great.... I really have to get better at this anxiety thing. It's going to drive me crazy, literally.
P.S. Nate still has an appointment tomorrow. I want to get him a referral to behavioral therapy. It's worth the effort.
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