Cutting Onions

I awoke this morning knowing there was no toilet paper in the house. I ran to the mini market across the field at six forty five in the morning while Ben and the kids were in bed. It's only a two minute walk; a five minute round-trip. When I returned home, Nate was sitting in front of the television with a Wii game in his hand. It was split down the middle. He broke it trying to get it out of the case. Dearest NATE!!!! That's why you're not supposed to touch the wii games. Duh. I promptly put it in the cupboard and turned on a PBS show. I woke Garrett and got cereal set up for them, and said good bye.

Now, I'm standing in my kitchen surrounded by garlic, carrots and asparagus. One might think I'd be gearing up to cook something springlike and fresh; however, I have my mind on poached chicken served over rice with veggies. The rain outside is demanding of comfort food and pounds. Alas, I have my Martha Stewart magazine out, and I'm going to attempt to follow the "poached chicken with leeks" recipe, though I've already modified it to not contain leeks. I'm sure it will destroy the whole idea of this dish, but I don't care. I don't even cook, so the idea of me trying is worth the novelty.

I hired a new sitter. She has an almost two year old son, so she understands kids. She showed up on time to relieve Ben, and she also does dishes. She never got overwhelmed, even when Nate dumped the whole jar of fish food in the fish tank. I got the message while at work, finishing my breakfast sandwich. The message, however, came from Ben.

Suddenly I felt the need to rush home and fix things. Ben doesn't want to be involved in the parenting issues, and he got yet another phone call. It wasn't the sitter's fault; she was told that Ben would respond faster, which is true. Still, I get to talk about Nate's inability to control himself and his erratic behavior tonight, which is a conversation I am not looking forward to. I believe a trip to the doctor and a referral to Child Development is necessary, and I have been putting it off. I guess no parent wants to admit their child has issues, and with me being "afraid" of the system, I just keep putting it off. It makes me sad. I feel slightly helpless and mostly guilty.

Still Life with Woodpecker

Still Life with Woodpecker

In the back of my mind, when Ben sits and watches me silently, I wonder if he's thinking of leaving. I wonder if the stress of a household full of abnormalities and difficult children is too much for him. Day to day mundaneness is overwhelming, I know. I can only imagine when the mundaneness includes children that you aren't responsible for. I am hoping we've built a strong enough foundation to make it another day. As well as another day after that, too. I am always afraid of him walking away and cutting his losses. I am always afraid I am not doing enough in his eyes. I'm always afraid my children will be the deciding factor, and that's a burden they don't need to bear.

Tom Robbins would say his prayers to the Elmer, The Greek God of Glue. Someone has to hold it together, right? I'm going to hold it together, that's for sure. I'm strong. Hell, I'm the Statue of Liberty sometimes, right?!

Ben will be home soon, and I have to choke back my tears, or cut up some onions so there's a good explanation which doesn't need explaining when he comes in the door. These stupid ants are still driving me crazy, maybe a different house would fix that problem. Maybe I can cut enough onions and garlic to drive the evil things out.

Ben will be home soon.