I Deserve Respect

There are things I need. Things I deserve. Things I desire.

Do you remember the white picket fence dream of yesteryear? I have that dream. I have the dream of marrying the man I love. I have an even bigger dream of wearing my grandmother's or mother's wedding dress in that wedding. I have the dream of having my children be loved by the man I married. I used to think the man I married would be their father. However, dreams change once the age of thirteen approaches and passes. Once upon a time, I believed in each of their fathers.

Last week, I read that Jeremy (Garrett's dad) was arrested for molesting a thirteen year old girl, and can have no contact with any child under eighteen. Shocking, since I was set up for a date rape by him... Then, I read that Nate's dad had deceased from an overdose. I believe the former, however, the latter is debatable, since my friend received a phone call from prison from a man named Daniel Mitchell looking for his son Nate merely a year ago...

No matter what happens, I still look for that picket fence. Two cats in the yard. Life used to be so hard. Life is hard.

I don't hate Ben. I love him tremendously. He has been a strong person in our lives. Drugs have impaled him in the past, and recently... though, not since Gold Beach. I wanted to hang on soooo badly. Even when he was smoking crack, and Susan and Dave thought he could do no wrong... I stood by him. Susan thinks I was the evil one. Little did she know. Even as he smashed in windows last night, I stood by and tried to help. I called the police and searched for him after he ran away into oblivion with a Steel Reserve on the ground. His bike hit the concrete, his hands covered in blood. I wanted to stand by him and be there for him. I tried to.

However, how long does a woman have to wait for their true love to give in? He is so afraid of marriage and children.... do I walk away? How long does one wait for marriage? What if I want more children? I'm damn near thirty. How long and how much does one suffer, attempting contentment when the picket fence never evolves?

I didn't mean to wander. It happened. I meant to strive for the fence with Ben. However, four years and I didn't achieve it... and he is content. Does that mean my dreams wash away?
I want a baby with a man I love and am married to.
I want a baby with a last name that is mine and not my father's.

I want a white picket fence with two cats, a dog and a bunny.

I have wants, also.

I don't know whether to search or retreat.
I'm fucked.
Fuck the fence, right?
There are no fairy tales.

Picking Up

I'm trying to find a way to pick the pieces up.
Where did I go wrong?
I didn't mean to.

I can't find him. He is missing and the moon is full.
He said he was going to the Ocean for a swim.
The police couldn't find him.
I can't find him.

How did I allow this to happen?
I'm busy today picking up pieces of shattered hopes
expectations
perceived realities.

Where do I go from here?
Is he okay?
Am I okay?

My poor children.
Searching in the dark.

Tears.
Worry.

We can and will pick up the pieces.
Clean up the blood.
If we can find the blood.
Replace the shattered reality
I created.

TIME OFF - MUCH NEEDED.....

It feels like it has been years.  We live here now, in the middle of nowhere.  This place is called Gold Beach.  This place is called surreal.  I have a couple of jobs at restaurants, and we are local celebrities.  I don't know whether it's because I go foster dogs at the animal shelter, because I work at two restaurants, because I beat up a man the first week we were here (he was hitting his wife), or because we ride a tandem with a taga llong.

I realize i spelled it wrong.  However, we have a tandem with a tagalong, and there is another on the way.

We will travel the US.  YAY us.  No, really, we are going to travel the US.  Get it?  And, we will take our bunny.  

I won't beat men up, and if I do, you can know about it first.

The bunny will ride in a basket or trailer.

The boys are ready.

I am ready.

Ben is ready.

Are you ready?  Where are you?  Want to say hello while we are on our way?  

Meet us at the crossroads.

For now, we stay at the beach, in our home and prepare.  Ready to Educate Mel more?  I am.