Shock and Awe

I'm living in shock and awe, and trying to do my best.

Shock! - Ben is working constantly!!!!! He is running a restaurant basically single handedly!!!! He's gone all the time!!!!

Awe!!! We have money, I can't accept a job due to conflict in schedules, Garrett is popular, and I am BORED!!!!

The aftermath of shock and awe was destruction. I have been destructive. I have been destructive to my relationship and to myself, and to my family.

I can't control my relationship, so I am trying to control other things. The dishes are done and the laundry is clean and put away. I am angry and am tracking minutes. I am angry with Ben because I feel insecure and jealous, and because he had a beer with his brother after work.

I am not working, and it's driving me mad. I have lost control in one area, and I play it out. I scream and yell and cry and blame.

Fact is: Ben is working at a great job, and is just trying to help our family and make money. Fact is: I should support Ben and be his shoulder to lean on.

Here's the conclusion: I'm an OCPD mess with a lack of control. I am going to lose my relationship and my family and everything I hold dear. My family deserves better.

I upped my dose of celexa like my psychiatrist told me to do, if there were transitional problems. I feel better today than I have in a week. I feel like writing, and that's a start, right?

The Best Is Not Classy

Out of a Can. Open a Can of Gravy. There is nothing. Not even that. Even the Cafe is moving...and they're closed right now. There is nothing. Either way, there is no other place, right? I mean, I can drive around. There is the whistlestop Cafe, but it's a mom and pop spot with some soup and stuff....not good. Do they serve breakfast? Talent? There is no other place. Not one. Seven years ago, it was going to be big, Talent. Seven years ago it was the new Ashland. However, it's not. So, why not? Hmmmm.... no place to eat? What? The restaurant will make a lot of money. She wants 5 percent. The other guy doesn't care what happens.... and they made pay roll today. This is great. All she wants is five percent, and he is only in it to take her cash. She has no idea. She has no clue. And now the work begins... and he turns Talent into a new destination. People stop in Talent now. People stay in this little crappy town and they eat a good meal, and they are all happy. We are all happy. I don't see why we can't come in and bust ass and just make it work. They, we, can all get smart and bust ass and make some money.