I Was Thinking

I got a new guitar for Mother's Day. I got a really nice guitar. I deserved a really nice guitar, as it's a passion of mine.

When my mother and father were married, there was a Degas Guitar. I played it for ten years. My grandmother died, and somehow, when she did, the guitar ended up in my father's posession. I was no longer allowed to play the degas, it was no longer mine.

I longed and loved the guitar and the fact that playing it fufilled a void in my life. Now, I have a guitar that's twice as nice.

My mind is on a song, that I will memorize and play perfectly by tomorrow.

Jewel:
I was thinking, that I might fly today.
Just ot disprove, all the things that you say.
It doesn't take a toreent to be mean,
but words can crush things that are unseen....
so please be careful with me.
i'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way......

It goes on and on, but the first verse is my verse.

I'm a truth teller, and with my degas gone, I still have hope.
I'm sensitive,
And I hope that you like if I'd stay that way.

Gaining Control... Control....Control....it starts to sound strange.

What does an OCPD person do when they've lost control?

Well, they gain control, of course. They need control, so they get it, one way or the other. Whether it's a schedule or a routine; perhaps it's the way the refrigerator is organized. Maybe it's the way the towels are folded in the cupboard. Who knows? The OCPD person knows, that's who.

For example, even if the world in my eyes is falling apart, I know the cups in my cupboard are in the correct spot. The coffee cups are aligned just in the correct way. That extra cup, the one that doesn't fit, I'll make sure it breaks (accidentally) the next time I wash it. The items on the desk will be arranged in the manner I most see fit, and the clothes will be put in a basket in just the correct way. It may not make sense to you, but to me it does.

I find that when certain areas of my world fall apart, and I can't control them, I control things in my life I know are easy to control. Those things become an obsession. OCPD. Do you feel it?

Last week, my house was cleaned immaculately by Ben. I had nothing to do, so I cleaned my car out. My car was a disaster. French fries and toys and sweaters and paycheck stubs and prescriptions. My car didn't matter previously, because I focused on my house. I had controlled my house. When I could no longer focus on my house, I focused on my car. Curious isn't it? I realize I'm rambling, but I really feel control in an OCPD person doesn't have to be in all areas. An OCPDer just picks their spot to control, and controls it immaculately.

My nanny washed and put away my dishes the other day, and upon coming home, I couldn't see the good work she had done because the dishes she washed weren't put away properly. Jesuz Mel, get a grip, right? I should have just said thank you and paid her a little extra.

So, what does an OCPDer do when it comes to controlling things in their professional life? So many people to work with on a daily basis. It's much different than life at home. You can be neurotic at home and your family despises it, but gets it. At work, you're just neurotic.

I've found the solution. This OCPD person is opening her own business. Between Ben and I, I can expect that perfection will be obtained on a daily basis. Because of this, my house will fall apart, I'm sure. However, I can be in control of whatever I choose, right? The car, the house, the kids, the business... it will be interesting, to say the least.

I can't promise to write. I, however, promised not to. I can't make promises anymore.

I can only control and do what I can control and do. Hello, new business. Hello readers. I hope my business and my readers will connect, but I can't promise they will. I have no control over that. However, I can control how I spend my time in the near future, and I can take into account how that control will affect and benefit myself and my family. I have to understand that with control comes great responsibility. My family, my employer, my business, my love, and myself are counting on me to control the things that really matter to us and our well being. Our well being as a whole, to be exact.

I'm counting on my need to be perfect to be beneficial for us all. I can't wait for the newness, the things in the near future, that I will be able to control in a way that is beneficial for all of us.
And, I would like to keep writing, in the process.

Just another Tuesday Night

I have to go to work in the morning. I'm opening the restaurant, and have to leave my house at seven. I realize it's only nine hours away, but I'm completely caught up on sleep right now, and I have nothing better to do than to tell a story. I'm just hoping someone reads it.

Ben and Noah are sitting in my kitchen right now talking about the Avalon, talking about branding. I could give a shit less, really. Well, maybe I secretly am curious and it kills me to not be sitting there listening in. I know the right answers, but I'm not needed in that area. Ummm, Wait. Honestly, I am needed, but I'm definetly not wanted. The words want and need are completely different things, as we all know. The owners don't want me, and they call the shots right? So, instead of becoming frustrated and angry, I'm going to do my own thing.

You know what, Fuck It. I am here, and I am writing, and I am inspired at the moment. The whole point of this blog is to be real, to work through my issues, and if I hold back, I am lying to you and to myself. So, fuck it. Here goes nothing.

Unfortunately for me (and perhaps for you) my world seems to consist of my feelings toward the Avalon tonight, and this is me, doing my own thing. Consider this your warning right now, that if you wish to read on, feel free; however I don't want phone calls or e-mails pertaining to this post. There is a comment button here, use it if you need.

Oh, the Avalon. I have resentment and hate toward the Avalon. I wonder if the owners care about the way the business is run, or if it's just a status symbol for them. Owning a restaurant is hard work, and I guess sometimes owners don't have to care or even work, let alone work hard. The Avalon, to make it, needs someone dedicated and well-versed in the industry. They have a person, perhaps two. But it isn't enough.

My job is to just sit back and work somewhere else. My job is to not be involved. How do I do that, exactly? It's just not in my genetic makeup and psychological makeup to sit back and watch NOTHING happen. I want things to move in the correct direction. I want all our families (in a working relationship and a family relationship) to move forward in a direction that is beneficial for all of us. But Jesus CHRIST!!!! I always feel like I should beat my head against the wall when I think about the happenings there.

So, it feels like, at this point I should end the posting for the night. However, I have a final thought. If you're still reading, I recommend you stop now. This is the part where I beat my head against the wall, and the wall is you.

I am resentful because I'm not involved. I am resentful because of this: "How can I house and employ my children in the future, if the recession stays?" Well, you buy a trailer park and a restaurant, of course. However, I'm still not involved, I'm still not welcome. I'm still not your daughter, though you claim I am. In my world, you wanted him, not me. I opened the biggest restaurant on the west coast last year, and it wasn't enough to impress you. However, You took my person, you took my Ben. You chose him over me, and you didn't even know him. You only knew what I had told you. In the end, You didn't even have the grace to share him. You took him. I was left behind. Again, my insecurites. I lost my time with Ben, and it went to you.

Perhaps I am jealous. Maybe I should be. You chose a mere idea of a perfect person, a perfect chef. Though he is perfect, you never saw his resume. You never knew who he was until after the fact. I was left to squander and settle for less than what I am capable of.

I know you don't want us to work together, and honestly I'm glad, at this point, that you didn't ask us to. I want to work for professionals in the industry, and the Avalon is not my dream. It has the potential, but it lacks the execution.

I am not angry, I'm trying not to resent.... but Fuck. I just want to go back three months and think it all over again.



J

This Is The Road That Meets The Road That Goes To Nowhere

All in black, I realized I matched Ben's attire.  We were at the Avalon and we were working together.  Susan was there, as well; for once I felt included.  I felt like I belonged.

Yep, that's right.  I worked at the Avalon tonight.  I worked without pay, and with only a five dollar tipout, but it was worth it in every respect.  

I would like to tell you how it happened, how I got there, where my kids are; as well as why I do not plan to work there full-time.  I'd like to tell you all these things.  Tonight is not that night.

I have to be up in five and a half hours to open Greenleaf... and, being that Ben sold out of all food tonight, he is going in early as well.  

So much to say, so little time.  This is the road that meets the road that goes to nowhere.

Keep reading.

The I-Thing:  It's everything you never knew you always wanted!  Did you know you can tell it what to do?  It's ridiculously addicting.  Baah Baah, sheep... go get your I-ThinK.  Thats right, it thinks for you.  It reapeats to you.  Absolutely astonishing.

On another note: The lotion is working, or so I think.  Perhaps I am smoking less and therefore washing less.  Perhaps.  On the other hand, the lotion could be working, and my hands could be healing based on the seven dollars I spent a couple days ago.  Who really knows?  What normal individual really cares?  As I was breaking down the breakfast setup today, my supervisor was helping.  I overheard her say, "Who keeps wrapping the butter pats?  They're already wrapped!"  At this point I was poking myself in the rib, laughing just a little. "Wait!  Which OCD person is wrapping the already individually pre-wrapped butters?!  I'll give you one guess: ME!"  Pretty funny when I can actually laugh at the whole thing.

I worked at Avalon last night, and though I don't really know how I feel about it and about the circumstances, I know it was nice.  I know I showed up and filled in for some need that was there.  As any server knows, filling waters and seating people is priceless, regardless of the flow. I didn't work for money, that wasn't the point.  I don't know if I was honestly interested in working for free to "help out," or if the simple thought of waiting at home for Ben that night was unbearable.  Either way, it was nice to feel some involvement.

Oh my gosh, if you ask the I-Thing what time it is, did you know it tells you?!  I should go to bed soon...

I know what you're thinking.  I wasn't involved, and am still not involved.  Well, please read the following, an excerpt from my e-mail, with names omitted, out of respect.

hey ma,

in my experience, glasses which are stacked always break.  Lack of space and storage is the number one reason plastic is used in place of glass.  I think what is needed is better organization/system of the "bussing" station.  (What is going to happen with the old lottery room?  That would make a great bussing station, and would free up room on the dining floor for two to three more tables.)\

Also, with the review that came out, business is going to pick up.  With Dotty gone, youneed to hire people... Servers are very aware that hours are short at times, and college students don't mind a couple/few hours of work here and there.  It's going to be PACKED tonight with Karen Lovely, Ben is a little stressed, and Dennis was the only one there when I dropped in at 4 today... six tables are easy for a strong server.... six maybe not so much for a "slower paced" honkey-dorey person... especially when that person is also bartending a full bar.  You don't want service to fail...

I offered Ben for me to come in and "back wait" for a couple hours, if needed, to help out.  His response was that it wouldn't work if you didn't want me there.  Just so you know, if it helps you and Ben, I'm available tonight... I can fill waters and clear plates and act as a liason... all without payroll...

I'm trying to be helpful, but I can't when I'm not sure of boundaries.  Let me know if you need me.

Ask Ben about the glasses, maybe I am missing something?  The glasses we use at Greenleaf are an efficient size, and don't take up too much space.  However, they cannot be stacked.  Pint glasses are expensive, and can only stack two high, if stacked at all....

Call me when you can