Just another Tuesday Night

I have to go to work in the morning. I'm opening the restaurant, and have to leave my house at seven. I realize it's only nine hours away, but I'm completely caught up on sleep right now, and I have nothing better to do than to tell a story. I'm just hoping someone reads it.

Ben and Noah are sitting in my kitchen right now talking about the Avalon, talking about branding. I could give a shit less, really. Well, maybe I secretly am curious and it kills me to not be sitting there listening in. I know the right answers, but I'm not needed in that area. Ummm, Wait. Honestly, I am needed, but I'm definetly not wanted. The words want and need are completely different things, as we all know. The owners don't want me, and they call the shots right? So, instead of becoming frustrated and angry, I'm going to do my own thing.

You know what, Fuck It. I am here, and I am writing, and I am inspired at the moment. The whole point of this blog is to be real, to work through my issues, and if I hold back, I am lying to you and to myself. So, fuck it. Here goes nothing.

Unfortunately for me (and perhaps for you) my world seems to consist of my feelings toward the Avalon tonight, and this is me, doing my own thing. Consider this your warning right now, that if you wish to read on, feel free; however I don't want phone calls or e-mails pertaining to this post. There is a comment button here, use it if you need.

Oh, the Avalon. I have resentment and hate toward the Avalon. I wonder if the owners care about the way the business is run, or if it's just a status symbol for them. Owning a restaurant is hard work, and I guess sometimes owners don't have to care or even work, let alone work hard. The Avalon, to make it, needs someone dedicated and well-versed in the industry. They have a person, perhaps two. But it isn't enough.

My job is to just sit back and work somewhere else. My job is to not be involved. How do I do that, exactly? It's just not in my genetic makeup and psychological makeup to sit back and watch NOTHING happen. I want things to move in the correct direction. I want all our families (in a working relationship and a family relationship) to move forward in a direction that is beneficial for all of us. But Jesus CHRIST!!!! I always feel like I should beat my head against the wall when I think about the happenings there.

So, it feels like, at this point I should end the posting for the night. However, I have a final thought. If you're still reading, I recommend you stop now. This is the part where I beat my head against the wall, and the wall is you.

I am resentful because I'm not involved. I am resentful because of this: "How can I house and employ my children in the future, if the recession stays?" Well, you buy a trailer park and a restaurant, of course. However, I'm still not involved, I'm still not welcome. I'm still not your daughter, though you claim I am. In my world, you wanted him, not me. I opened the biggest restaurant on the west coast last year, and it wasn't enough to impress you. However, You took my person, you took my Ben. You chose him over me, and you didn't even know him. You only knew what I had told you. In the end, You didn't even have the grace to share him. You took him. I was left behind. Again, my insecurites. I lost my time with Ben, and it went to you.

Perhaps I am jealous. Maybe I should be. You chose a mere idea of a perfect person, a perfect chef. Though he is perfect, you never saw his resume. You never knew who he was until after the fact. I was left to squander and settle for less than what I am capable of.

I know you don't want us to work together, and honestly I'm glad, at this point, that you didn't ask us to. I want to work for professionals in the industry, and the Avalon is not my dream. It has the potential, but it lacks the execution.

I am not angry, I'm trying not to resent.... but Fuck. I just want to go back three months and think it all over again.



J