The I-Thing knows all

The I-Thing:  It's everything you never knew you always wanted!  Did you know you can tell it what to do?  It's ridiculously addicting.  Baah Baah, sheep... go get your I-ThinK.  Thats right, it thinks for you.  It reapeats to you.  Absolutely astonishing.

On another note: The lotion is working, or so I think.  Perhaps I am smoking less and therefore washing less.  Perhaps.  On the other hand, the lotion could be working, and my hands could be healing based on the seven dollars I spent a couple days ago.  Who really knows?  What normal individual really cares?  As I was breaking down the breakfast setup today, my supervisor was helping.  I overheard her say, "Who keeps wrapping the butter pats?  They're already wrapped!"  At this point I was poking myself in the rib, laughing just a little. "Wait!  Which OCD person is wrapping the already individually pre-wrapped butters?!  I'll give you one guess: ME!"  Pretty funny when I can actually laugh at the whole thing.

I worked at Avalon last night, and though I don't really know how I feel about it and about the circumstances, I know it was nice.  I know I showed up and filled in for some need that was there.  As any server knows, filling waters and seating people is priceless, regardless of the flow. I didn't work for money, that wasn't the point.  I don't know if I was honestly interested in working for free to "help out," or if the simple thought of waiting at home for Ben that night was unbearable.  Either way, it was nice to feel some involvement.

Oh my gosh, if you ask the I-Thing what time it is, did you know it tells you?!  I should go to bed soon...

I know what you're thinking.  I wasn't involved, and am still not involved.  Well, please read the following, an excerpt from my e-mail, with names omitted, out of respect.

hey ma,

in my experience, glasses which are stacked always break.  Lack of space and storage is the number one reason plastic is used in place of glass.  I think what is needed is better organization/system of the "bussing" station.  (What is going to happen with the old lottery room?  That would make a great bussing station, and would free up room on the dining floor for two to three more tables.)

Also, with the review that came out, business is going to pick up.  With so and so gone, you need to hire people... Servers are very aware that hours are short at times, and college students don't mind a couple/few hours of work here and there.  It's going to be PACKED tonight with Karen Lovely, Ben is a little stressed, and so and so was the only one there when I dropped in at 4 today... six tables are easy for a strong server.... six maybe not so much for a "slower paced" honkey-dorey person... especially when that person is also bartending a full bar.  You don't want service to fail...

I offered Ben for me to come in and "back wait" for a couple hours, if needed, to help out.  His response was that it wouldn't work if you didn't want me there.  Just so you know, if it helps you and Ben, I'm available tonight... I can fill waters and clear plates and act as a liason... all without payroll...

I'm trying to be helpful, but I can't when I'm not sure of boundaries.  Let me know if you need me.

Ask Ben about the glasses, maybe I am missing something?  The glasses we use at Greenleaf are an efficient size, and don't take up too much space.  However, they cannot be stacked.  Pint glasses are expensive, and can only stack two high, if stacked at all....

Call me when you can

Thusly, I worked at the Avalon for the first time.  It was wonderful, actually... though, I'm not sure of exactly why.

I got my first "real" paycheck from Daniel's place last week.  It said $987.00.  Not bad for two week still in the shoulder season.  Still, it's going to get busier.  I wonder what will happen... will I actually supervise?  It's been a couple months, and my intention is always to do-more-be-more-be-the-best-person-there, as intimidating as that may be for others.

Anyhow, just an update.  As the I-Thing said, I have to go to bed... it's late.
Apple iPhone 4 Black Smartphone 16GB (AT&T)

GO BACK TO MEDICATION!!!

I know you think medication is going to "save me" and help my family.  That seems to be a valid idea, judging by the circumstances.  However, there's something you should know.

I did not stop taking medication against my psychiatrist's treatment plan.  I have to get that out there.  The only thing I did differently is that I stopped completely and did it cold turkey.  The withdrawl was unbearable, but necessary.  The reason it had to happen so quickly is because I moved back to Oregon, and my psychiatrist was unable to renew my prescription for me.  I had two choices.  I either needed to expedite my end date for taking medication, or I needed to find some county doctor to re-evaluate and medicate me.

Doctors love to change people's medications.  They love making whatever cocktail they can to appease the drug companies who produce them.  I don't want to be their guinnie pig.  No way.  I wasn't about to switch doctors and have them try to give me Seroquel (an  atypical antipsychotic) again.  No way.  

Many people think I have "episodes" and problems coping because I have stopped taking my SSRI.  However, the episodes were more frequent and more severe while on medication.  Stopping the medication has put me in a place where I can control my emotions much better, just as therapy has helped me understand my emotions.  You (you know if I mean you) are only noticing the episode now because you read about it and how painful it is for the first time.  You associated it with medication because you are uninformed.  Here's the information.  Read it, research it, then judge if you must.

First of all, there is no medication to treat OCPD.  There are other mental problems that arise with OCPD such as depression and anxiety, caused by the strife the OCPD person feels each day.  There are medications to treat both anxiety and depression, and they should be used where needed.  However, what do you do if you only have OCPD with transitional anxiety?  I was never depressed.  I should never have been given an SSRI.  There are other illness where medication is required, and when stopping the medication leads to horror stories (such as mood disorders ,Schizoaffective disorder, and others).  Keep in mind as well, that you'll never feel as good as you do after your first hit of SSRI, according to some.

However, America and big business drug companies want to sell their products.  I was given my first cocktail four years ago, without a diagnosis or a way out.  I was given an SSRI for keeping my house too clean.  Strange, isn't it?

My prescription of celexa in the morning and trazodone in the evening left me fuzzy, to say the least.  It's difficult to explain, but I see it like having a bag over my head.  I was unable to see the details because of fuzziness; I could not get excited.  I was not sad and angry.  Very rarely was I motivated to do anything besides the day to day mundaneness of life.  It is a sad reality, really.  However, I tend to take my situation and my surroundings and make the best of it.  So, when I wanted to feel something, I'd get drunk.  Makes sense, right?  Drunk is a feeling.  Right.  When I say I drank a lot, I mean, A LOT.  If you want the amount just ask.

When I spoke with my psychiatrist (a real psychiatrist) for the first time, he was shocked and dismayed that I had been on medication for so long, let alone on meds at all.  His first priority was to get me off medication and into psychotherapy.  He said the medication was hindering, not helping me.  I needed to be in control of my feelings to be able to live with myself and learn about myself.  I thrived with control in my world.  He asked what made me think I could be successful if I couldn't control the one most important human trait: feelings.  That was four months before we moved home to Oregon.

When I was faced with the option of continuing my "drug" addiction to Celexa, or just facing the withdrawl (the scariest part) of stopping, and getting it over with.  That is what my previous blog was referring to.  

I am going to include a page on my blog for you to view which will include various articles and sources regarding medication use for OCPD.  Please research and form your own opinion; after all, I'm just a girl with an illness.