I Deserve Respect

There are things I need. Things I deserve. Things I desire.

Do you remember the white picket fence dream of yesteryear? I have that dream. I have the dream of marrying the man I love. I have an even bigger dream of wearing my grandmother's or mother's wedding dress in that wedding. I have the dream of having my children be loved by the man I married. I used to think the man I married would be their father. However, dreams change once the age of thirteen approaches and passes. Once upon a time, I believed in each of their fathers.

Last week, I read that Jeremy (Garrett's dad) was arrested for molesting a thirteen year old girl, and can have no contact with any child under eighteen. Shocking, since I was set up for a date rape by him... Then, I read that Nate's dad had deceased from an overdose. I believe the former, however, the latter is debatable, since my friend received a phone call from prison from a man named Daniel Mitchell looking for his son Nate merely a year ago...

No matter what happens, I still look for that picket fence. Two cats in the yard. Life used to be so hard. Life is hard.

I don't hate Ben. I love him tremendously. He has been a strong person in our lives. Drugs have impaled him in the past, and recently... though, not since Gold Beach. I wanted to hang on soooo badly. Even when he was smoking crack, and Susan and Dave thought he could do no wrong... I stood by him. Susan thinks I was the evil one. Little did she know. Even as he smashed in windows last night, I stood by and tried to help. I called the police and searched for him after he ran away into oblivion with a Steel Reserve on the ground. His bike hit the concrete, his hands covered in blood. I wanted to stand by him and be there for him. I tried to.

However, how long does a woman have to wait for their true love to give in? He is so afraid of marriage and children.... do I walk away? How long does one wait for marriage? What if I want more children? I'm damn near thirty. How long and how much does one suffer, attempting contentment when the picket fence never evolves?

I didn't mean to wander. It happened. I meant to strive for the fence with Ben. However, four years and I didn't achieve it... and he is content. Does that mean my dreams wash away?
I want a baby with a man I love and am married to.
I want a baby with a last name that is mine and not my father's.

I want a white picket fence with two cats, a dog and a bunny.

I have wants, also.

I don't know whether to search or retreat.
I'm fucked.
Fuck the fence, right?
There are no fairy tales.

Picking Up

I'm trying to find a way to pick the pieces up.
Where did I go wrong?
I didn't mean to.

I can't find him. He is missing and the moon is full.
He said he was going to the Ocean for a swim.
The police couldn't find him.
I can't find him.

How did I allow this to happen?
I'm busy today picking up pieces of shattered hopes
expectations
perceived realities.

Where do I go from here?
Is he okay?
Am I okay?

My poor children.
Searching in the dark.

Tears.
Worry.

We can and will pick up the pieces.
Clean up the blood.
If we can find the blood.
Replace the shattered reality
I created.