Have you ever withdrawn from an SSRI? I have. Twice now, with deliberation to break the cycle. It's funny, too, because doctors will swear by the drug, making you think everything will be easier on it. Sure, life is a bit easier. The first few days of a new SSRI feels strange and discombobulating. Maybe you lose a few pounds or get some great sleep, something of that nature. Of course you keep with it, hoping the "feel good effects" are real-life things, and that they'll surface sooner rather than later. The effects do kick in, however they do so gradually, so you never really know if you're just feeling better or if the drug is really helping.
That is, until you stop taking the drug. Maybe your prescription ran out, or maybe you were just curious.
Yep, two days off the drug you never knew you needed, and you feel like shit. Crying spells, rapid heart rate, night-sweats, brain quakes (don't worry, I'll explain), crying spells and anger fits. Sounds like fun, huh? After two days of thinking craziness and depression has seeped back in to your life, you go back to the "temporary fix drug", and just continue taking it, because it's easier that way. Taking an SSRI after a few days without it feels like bliss. I imagine it is the same type of "fix" a heroin addict has when they shoot up. It feels good. Though it's prescribed, I'm realizing it's a drug. I'm realizing I have an addiction.
Here's the deal: I'm a clean freak as well as control freak, and I have to have everything in my world in perfect order. That's why I'm a drug addict. I'm an SSRI addict. Pretty silly, huh? I know a lot of people would LOVE to have the disorder I have. They would LOVE to have a psychiatrist tell them, "You're fine, you're just a perfectionist."
Sounds pretty simple, but it isn't. I turned to medication because my control issues caused me to have no control over my life or my well-being. Strange, I know. However, there was a point three years ago that I wasn't able to cook dinner for my children because my fridge was dirty. True story. It was then I discovered SSRIs. They have been beneficial. However, they are long overused.
I haven't been able to get ahold of my hundred-dollar-an-hour-i-know-everything-you-don't-have-to-be-on-meds-forever-psychiatrist for over two weeks now to refill my prescription. I quit cold turkey and have been living in a shitting-myself-brain-shaking-inside-my-skull-like-a-10.1 magnitute-earthquake-world for twelve days. The shaking is almost over now. Today was a good day.
Ben asked me what I was going to do about medication. I said, "nothing". Yes, I am going to do nothing. I don't want to be a drug addict, a slave to SSRIs forever, and I'm almost out of the worst of it. If my world turns upside down, I'll make a different move and seek out treatment. However, a little OCD could be beneficial. Perhaps I can use it to my advantage now that I am more educated in the way my mind works.
I have approximately 22 trazodone pills left. I have no refills on them either, and I am not sure a tranquilizer is what I need either. That's a whole other story, and a whole other drug addiction. However, I'm willing to rise to the battle and take over my mind and body. I can at least try.
In the meantime, tomorrow is going to be a good day, and I'm going to go clean the windows before bed. Good night. Just kidding, about the windows of course!
Monday, March 21, 2011
Tuesday, March 08, 2011
I Have Talent
The new house is great. It's a duplex, actually, but it feels like a house. Actually, it feels like home. I like the layout, the color on the walls. I like the yard and the cabinetry in the kitchen. I like to office and the bathtub. Okay, home. I'll call it home. I can stay here awhile, at least. That's more than I can usually say. So, home it is.
My home on a quiet u shaped street, in the middle of a little tiny town. Tiny, yes, but there's a Walmart here. It's convenient, but strange. I drive to Ashland two to three times a day. Not a big deal, it's eight to twelve minutes for me. Ben goes to the Avalon, which is less than a half mile. Man, his world is small right now, in Talent. However, he saves on Gas, right?
Ben and I have two cars; registered, insured, and running. We have money in the bank, an office and a yard. We have everything we need.
They boys, well... Garrett is loving his school. He, however, has few friends that seek him out as a playmate at recess and such (though he is popular and the kids like him). Problem is, he likes to play ninjas, etc. He doesn't play basketball or other sports, really, and that's what the other kids do. I try to be supportive of him being his own person. There isn't much other than that I can do, really. He is way ahead in his education at this point (after going to a California school), and is a little bored, but excited to be reading at a fourth grade level. He knows what viscous is, and taught me again today. He sits at the counter of my restaurant three times a week and reads, while he eats a grilled cheese sandwich and converses with the staff. He is well ahead of his years.
Nate hates his "boring" school with his "mean" teacher. Quite frankly, I don't like it either. They play video games and the other children are quite abnoxious. Each day he cries and I have to bribe him to get out of the car. When that doesn't work, I yank him and run away quickly as I leave him in the doorway. It sucks, but it's cheap. He has paramount control issues, over his body mostly, and ADD/ADHD is always in the back of my mind. Dr. Delgado will see him soon, which is great. Dr. Delgado delivered him, and will make a great family doctor.
My job: I have to learn to delegate more. I have to keep my focus on saving my steps. I know I can learn it all, but I have to patient with myself and give myself the allowance of a learning curve. It's difficult for me to be on a learning curve. I struggle with not being the BEST. I'll get there. I begin supervising soon. I miss sake though, let me just say. I know a tremendous amount about sake, and I feel like it's a waste with me not using my knowledge.
Ben. Well, Ben is working a ton. He took over the jobs of three people, and it's taxing on him. Lucky for me, he is good at working hard, and he keeps a positive outlook. He moves forward, as we all do. He moves with grace and ease, or seems to. What we lack in time we have in love, and we know it will pay off in the end.
The kids love to hang with Suzu and Papa and uncle Nolan, too. It's good to be near family. Noah is great as well, with helping the family out.
So, long story short, we live well and we will prosper. We have the foundation of a new beginning, and are moving in a positive direction, all of us.
It's not easy, and as much as I'd like to vent (and I will possibly in the near future), I just wanted to shed some light on what we are doing and how we are.
My family is strong, and I am thankful each and everyday that we are together and moving in the right direction.
My home on a quiet u shaped street, in the middle of a little tiny town. Tiny, yes, but there's a Walmart here. It's convenient, but strange. I drive to Ashland two to three times a day. Not a big deal, it's eight to twelve minutes for me. Ben goes to the Avalon, which is less than a half mile. Man, his world is small right now, in Talent. However, he saves on Gas, right?
Ben and I have two cars; registered, insured, and running. We have money in the bank, an office and a yard. We have everything we need.
They boys, well... Garrett is loving his school. He, however, has few friends that seek him out as a playmate at recess and such (though he is popular and the kids like him). Problem is, he likes to play ninjas, etc. He doesn't play basketball or other sports, really, and that's what the other kids do. I try to be supportive of him being his own person. There isn't much other than that I can do, really. He is way ahead in his education at this point (after going to a California school), and is a little bored, but excited to be reading at a fourth grade level. He knows what viscous is, and taught me again today. He sits at the counter of my restaurant three times a week and reads, while he eats a grilled cheese sandwich and converses with the staff. He is well ahead of his years.
Nate hates his "boring" school with his "mean" teacher. Quite frankly, I don't like it either. They play video games and the other children are quite abnoxious. Each day he cries and I have to bribe him to get out of the car. When that doesn't work, I yank him and run away quickly as I leave him in the doorway. It sucks, but it's cheap. He has paramount control issues, over his body mostly, and ADD/ADHD is always in the back of my mind. Dr. Delgado will see him soon, which is great. Dr. Delgado delivered him, and will make a great family doctor.
My job: I have to learn to delegate more. I have to keep my focus on saving my steps. I know I can learn it all, but I have to patient with myself and give myself the allowance of a learning curve. It's difficult for me to be on a learning curve. I struggle with not being the BEST. I'll get there. I begin supervising soon. I miss sake though, let me just say. I know a tremendous amount about sake, and I feel like it's a waste with me not using my knowledge.
Ben. Well, Ben is working a ton. He took over the jobs of three people, and it's taxing on him. Lucky for me, he is good at working hard, and he keeps a positive outlook. He moves forward, as we all do. He moves with grace and ease, or seems to. What we lack in time we have in love, and we know it will pay off in the end.
The kids love to hang with Suzu and Papa and uncle Nolan, too. It's good to be near family. Noah is great as well, with helping the family out.
So, long story short, we live well and we will prosper. We have the foundation of a new beginning, and are moving in a positive direction, all of us.
It's not easy, and as much as I'd like to vent (and I will possibly in the near future), I just wanted to shed some light on what we are doing and how we are.
My family is strong, and I am thankful each and everyday that we are together and moving in the right direction.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Shock and Awe
I'm living in shock and awe, and trying to do my best.
Shock! - Ben is working constantly!!!!! He is running a restaurant basically single handedly!!!! He's gone all the time!!!!
Awe!!! We have money, I can't accept a job due to conflict in schedules, Garrett is popular, and I am BORED!!!!
The aftermath of shock and awe was destruction. I have been destructive. I have been destructive to my relationship and to myself, and to my family.
I can't control my relationship, so I am trying to control other things. The dishes are done and the laundry is clean and put away. I am angry and am tracking minutes. I am angry with Ben because I feel insecure and jealous, and because he had a beer with his brother after work.
I am not working, and it's driving me mad. I have lost control in one area, and I play it out. I scream and yell and cry and blame.
Fact is: Ben is working at a great job, and is just trying to help our family and make money. Fact is: I should support Ben and be his shoulder to lean on.
Here's the conclusion: I'm an OCPD mess with a lack of control. I am going to lose my relationship and my family and everything I hold dear. My family deserves better.
I upped my dose of celexa like my psychiatrist told me to do, if there were transitional problems. I feel better today than I have in a week. I feel like writing, and that's a start, right?
Shock! - Ben is working constantly!!!!! He is running a restaurant basically single handedly!!!! He's gone all the time!!!!
Awe!!! We have money, I can't accept a job due to conflict in schedules, Garrett is popular, and I am BORED!!!!
The aftermath of shock and awe was destruction. I have been destructive. I have been destructive to my relationship and to myself, and to my family.
I can't control my relationship, so I am trying to control other things. The dishes are done and the laundry is clean and put away. I am angry and am tracking minutes. I am angry with Ben because I feel insecure and jealous, and because he had a beer with his brother after work.
I am not working, and it's driving me mad. I have lost control in one area, and I play it out. I scream and yell and cry and blame.
Fact is: Ben is working at a great job, and is just trying to help our family and make money. Fact is: I should support Ben and be his shoulder to lean on.
Here's the conclusion: I'm an OCPD mess with a lack of control. I am going to lose my relationship and my family and everything I hold dear. My family deserves better.
I upped my dose of celexa like my psychiatrist told me to do, if there were transitional problems. I feel better today than I have in a week. I feel like writing, and that's a start, right?
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The Best Is Not Classy
Out of a Can. Open a Can of Gravy. There is nothing. Not even that. Even the Cafe is moving...and they're closed right now. There is nothing. Either way, there is no other place, right? I mean, I can drive around. There is the whistlestop Cafe, but it's a mom and pop spot with some soup and stuff....not good. Do they serve breakfast? Talent? There is no other place. Not one. Seven years ago, it was going to be big, Talent. Seven years ago it was the new Ashland. However, it's not. So, why not? Hmmmm.... no place to eat? What? The restaurant will make a lot of money. She wants 5 percent. The other guy doesn't care what happens.... and they made pay roll today. This is great. All she wants is five percent, and he is only in it to take her cash. She has no idea. She has no clue. And now the work begins... and he turns Talent into a new destination. People stop in Talent now. People stay in this little crappy town and they eat a good meal, and they are all happy. We are all happy. I don't see why we can't come in and bust ass and just make it work. They, we, can all get smart and bust ass and make some money.
Thursday, December 02, 2010
Misunderstood, But Willing To Comply.
I am misunderstood. I will always be misunderstood. Sitting here this evening, I am content with this realization. I feel like I am liberated. Never before have I made peace with the fact that some things are not meant to be solved. I am one of those things. You can't solve me. I totally get it.
No, I don't try to impress you with the things I put here, in this blog. I suppose before now, I have tried to explain myself, or have tried to make you understand. I realize now, however, that it is impossible. From this point on, I suppose I will try to connect with you in some way or another. It is by connection that compassion is born. It is through connection that love is obtained.
Is it not said that the connection between child and mother takes place early, and those fist moments together tie mother and child together for life? That bond sticks with you, teaches you love; no matter what. I had that bond, or so I think... and I also believe I lost it. I believe I truly lost the ability to bond and to love truly. Maybe my plight in life is to learn to have that bond and to love, whether it be my children, my family, or my partner. I hope that through this writing we can somehow connect. Perhaps we can somehow bond, and I can love you. Maybe you can even love me.
I am not trying to impress you, so please don't flatter yourself. I am not trying to win you over as the girl who came out of the shit-filled life and came to riches. I am not that girl.
However, I am a girl. I am a girl, living in the world, learning on a daily basis exactly what life is about and what the purpose of living is. I am a girl who has good days and bad days, a girl who takes "happy pills", and girl who tries hard. I am a girl who has nightmares, a girl who has a hard time paying bills, but never leaves her kids without. I am a girl who spends nights in psychatric wards, yet a girl who is completely sane most days. I am a girl who never gives up hope of a better tomorrow. I am a girl who lives each day like it is her last, and a girl who lives each day like it the first day of her new life. I am a girl who loves everyone and judges nobody. I am a girl who likes to cook as much as she likes to eat frozen pizza.
Truth be told, I am just like you. I am a daughter, a sister, a neice, a grand-daughter, a mother, a dreamer, and a person. I am like you. I am no different. I am no more or less important on this planet we live on; in this great creation we live each day.
When you read what I write, read with an open mind. Read with enthusiasm. Read with the intention of learning what goes through the mind of a person on a day; a person you are somehow connected to. Yes, I may use garbage language or slur and slander a situation.
Ce La Vie. In my world, some things are garbage, many things are slured, and slander is something of an everday occurance. Please, catch your breath.
Get this: This girl behind the computer is me. I am Mel. I am real. I am writing not to offend, just to be. I am here being me.
No, I don't try to impress you with the things I put here, in this blog. I suppose before now, I have tried to explain myself, or have tried to make you understand. I realize now, however, that it is impossible. From this point on, I suppose I will try to connect with you in some way or another. It is by connection that compassion is born. It is through connection that love is obtained.
Is it not said that the connection between child and mother takes place early, and those fist moments together tie mother and child together for life? That bond sticks with you, teaches you love; no matter what. I had that bond, or so I think... and I also believe I lost it. I believe I truly lost the ability to bond and to love truly. Maybe my plight in life is to learn to have that bond and to love, whether it be my children, my family, or my partner. I hope that through this writing we can somehow connect. Perhaps we can somehow bond, and I can love you. Maybe you can even love me.
I am not trying to impress you, so please don't flatter yourself. I am not trying to win you over as the girl who came out of the shit-filled life and came to riches. I am not that girl.
However, I am a girl. I am a girl, living in the world, learning on a daily basis exactly what life is about and what the purpose of living is. I am a girl who has good days and bad days, a girl who takes "happy pills", and girl who tries hard. I am a girl who has nightmares, a girl who has a hard time paying bills, but never leaves her kids without. I am a girl who spends nights in psychatric wards, yet a girl who is completely sane most days. I am a girl who never gives up hope of a better tomorrow. I am a girl who lives each day like it is her last, and a girl who lives each day like it the first day of her new life. I am a girl who loves everyone and judges nobody. I am a girl who likes to cook as much as she likes to eat frozen pizza.
Truth be told, I am just like you. I am a daughter, a sister, a neice, a grand-daughter, a mother, a dreamer, and a person. I am like you. I am no different. I am no more or less important on this planet we live on; in this great creation we live each day.
When you read what I write, read with an open mind. Read with enthusiasm. Read with the intention of learning what goes through the mind of a person on a day; a person you are somehow connected to. Yes, I may use garbage language or slur and slander a situation.
Ce La Vie. In my world, some things are garbage, many things are slured, and slander is something of an everday occurance. Please, catch your breath.
Get this: This girl behind the computer is me. I am Mel. I am real. I am writing not to offend, just to be. I am here being me.
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