Inactive Since 2012. Not anymore.

Let's just take a moment. Sit silently and think before words hit the page. Moment over. It's strange how you don't know what life will throw at you. Which curveball, whether it is good or bad. Perhaps you know what life will throw. Or you think you do. But you don't. I have been "inactive" for two years. Hardly. I have been uterly active. Since my last post, I have stopped taking medication, got my white picket fence, and had a baby. I had a planned child, with the man I love. The love of my life. I also lost a bit of love. This has prompted my writing again. My little brother, Nolan, hung himself in his dorm room while away at college. I am shocked, afraid, sad, and in disbelief. I am also cold and heartless. Not with this though. At least I don't think I am. I think everyone goes through bouts of anger, sorrow, hatred, guilt, and numbness when faced with grief. My world crashed just when I thought it was coming together. I want to talk, but I feel like I am sweeping. Sweeping things underneath the surface. Like the dirt is still there, just out of sight. Some say out of sight is out of mind. I don't think so. I see him everywhere. I think of him hanging, and what thought he was having as he tied the knot. I think of these things and they are overwhelming. I think of these things and I wonder if I could do them. I wouldn't, and I couldn't. However, I think of the hurt I feel, and if something were to happen to me, how would my children cope. I don't think they would. I think of these things, and I think of my parents. I think of how they must feel. I think these things until I can't think anymore. Until I fall apart into a puddle on the floor, hopeless and helpless. I call people, late at night. I cry and yell. I can't do that to them. They are fighting with their own thoughts. So, I try to be cold, cool, calm, collected. But in the inside, I am dying. So instead of calling and crying and yelling, I will write. I hope you are all here to listen. My baby brother, such a wonderful and gentle soul. His sadness is gone now. For that, I am thankful.

I Deserve Respect

There are things I need. Things I deserve. Things I desire.

Do you remember the white picket fence dream of yesteryear? I have that dream. I have the dream of marrying the man I love. I have an even bigger dream of wearing my grandmother's or mother's wedding dress in that wedding. I have the dream of having my children be loved by the man I married. I used to think the man I married would be their father. However, dreams change once the age of thirteen approaches and passes. Once upon a time, I believed in each of their fathers.

Last week, I read that Jeremy (Garrett's dad) was arrested for molesting a thirteen year old girl, and can have no contact with any child under eighteen. Shocking, since I was set up for a date rape by him... Then, I read that Nate's dad had deceased from an overdose. I believe the former, however, the latter is debatable, since my friend received a phone call from prison from a man named Daniel Mitchell looking for his son Nate merely a year ago...

No matter what happens, I still look for that picket fence. Two cats in the yard. Life used to be so hard. Life is hard.

I don't hate Ben. I love him tremendously. He has been a strong person in our lives. Drugs have impaled him in the past, and recently... though, not since Gold Beach. I wanted to hang on soooo badly. Even when he was smoking crack, and Susan and Dave thought he could do no wrong... I stood by him. Susan thinks I was the evil one. Little did she know. Even as he smashed in windows last night, I stood by and tried to help. I called the police and searched for him after he ran away into oblivion with a Steel Reserve on the ground. His bike hit the concrete, his hands covered in blood. I wanted to stand by him and be there for him. I tried to.

However, how long does a woman have to wait for their true love to give in? He is so afraid of marriage and children.... do I walk away? How long does one wait for marriage? What if I want more children? I'm damn near thirty. How long and how much does one suffer, attempting contentment when the picket fence never evolves?

I didn't mean to wander. It happened. I meant to strive for the fence with Ben. However, four years and I didn't achieve it... and he is content. Does that mean my dreams wash away?
I want a baby with a man I love and am married to.
I want a baby with a last name that is mine and not my father's.

I want a white picket fence with two cats, a dog and a bunny.

I have wants, also.

I don't know whether to search or retreat.
I'm fucked.
Fuck the fence, right?
There are no fairy tales.

Picking Up

I'm trying to find a way to pick the pieces up.
Where did I go wrong?
I didn't mean to.

I can't find him. He is missing and the moon is full.
He said he was going to the Ocean for a swim.
The police couldn't find him.
I can't find him.

How did I allow this to happen?
I'm busy today picking up pieces of shattered hopes
expectations
perceived realities.

Where do I go from here?
Is he okay?
Am I okay?

My poor children.
Searching in the dark.

Tears.
Worry.

We can and will pick up the pieces.
Clean up the blood.
If we can find the blood.
Replace the shattered reality
I created.

TIME OFF - MUCH NEEDED.....

It feels like it has been years.  We live here now, in the middle of nowhere.  This place is called Gold Beach.  This place is called surreal.  I have a couple of jobs at restaurants, and we are local celebrities.  I don't know whether it's because I go foster dogs at the animal shelter, because I work at two restaurants, because I beat up a man the first week we were here (he was hitting his wife), or because we ride a tandem with a taga llong.

I realize i spelled it wrong.  However, we have a tandem with a tagalong, and there is another on the way.

We will travel the US.  YAY us.  No, really, we are going to travel the US.  Get it?  And, we will take our bunny.  

I won't beat men up, and if I do, you can know about it first.

The bunny will ride in a basket or trailer.

The boys are ready.

I am ready.

Ben is ready.

Are you ready?  Where are you?  Want to say hello while we are on our way?  

Meet us at the crossroads.

For now, we stay at the beach, in our home and prepare.  Ready to Educate Mel more?  I am.

I Was Thinking

I got a new guitar for Mother's Day. I got a really nice guitar. I deserved a really nice guitar, as it's a passion of mine.

When my mother and father were married, there was a Degas Guitar. I played it for ten years. My grandmother died, and somehow, when she did, the guitar ended up in my father's posession. I was no longer allowed to play the degas, it was no longer mine.

I longed and loved the guitar and the fact that playing it fufilled a void in my life. Now, I have a guitar that's twice as nice.

My mind is on a song, that I will memorize and play perfectly by tomorrow.

Jewel:
I was thinking, that I might fly today.
Just ot disprove, all the things that you say.
It doesn't take a toreent to be mean,
but words can crush things that are unseen....
so please be careful with me.
i'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way......

It goes on and on, but the first verse is my verse.

I'm a truth teller, and with my degas gone, I still have hope.
I'm sensitive,
And I hope that you like if I'd stay that way.