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Saturday, April 05, 2014

Inactive Since 2012. Not anymore.

Let's just take a moment. Sit silently and think before words hit the page. Moment over. It's strange how you don't know what life will throw at you. Which curveball, whether it is good or bad. Perhaps you know what life will throw. Or you think you do. But you don't. I have been "inactive" for two years. Hardly. I have been uterly active. Since my last post, I have stopped taking medication, got my white picket fence, and had a baby. I had a planned child, with the man I love. The love of my life. I also lost a bit of love. This has prompted my writing again. My little brother, Nolan, hung himself in his dorm room while away at college. I am shocked, afraid, sad, and in disbelief. I am also cold and heartless. Not with this though. At least I don't think I am. I think everyone goes through bouts of anger, sorrow, hatred, guilt, and numbness when faced with grief. My world crashed just when I thought it was coming together. I want to talk, but I feel like I am sweeping. Sweeping things underneath the surface. Like the dirt is still there, just out of sight. Some say out of sight is out of mind. I don't think so. I see him everywhere. I think of him hanging, and what thought he was having as he tied the knot. I think of these things and they are overwhelming. I think of these things and I wonder if I could do them. I wouldn't, and I couldn't. However, I think of the hurt I feel, and if something were to happen to me, how would my children cope. I don't think they would. I think of these things, and I think of my parents. I think of how they must feel. I think these things until I can't think anymore. Until I fall apart into a puddle on the floor, hopeless and helpless. I call people, late at night. I cry and yell. I can't do that to them. They are fighting with their own thoughts. So, I try to be cold, cool, calm, collected. But in the inside, I am dying. So instead of calling and crying and yelling, I will write. I hope you are all here to listen. My baby brother, such a wonderful and gentle soul. His sadness is gone now. For that, I am thankful.

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