I Was Thinking

I got a new guitar for Mother's Day. I got a really nice guitar. I deserved a really nice guitar, as it's a passion of mine.

When my mother and father were married, there was a Degas Guitar. I played it for ten years. My grandmother died, and somehow, when she did, the guitar ended up in my father's posession. I was no longer allowed to play the degas, it was no longer mine.

I longed and loved the guitar and the fact that playing it fufilled a void in my life. Now, I have a guitar that's twice as nice.

My mind is on a song, that I will memorize and play perfectly by tomorrow.

Jewel:
I was thinking, that I might fly today.
Just ot disprove, all the things that you say.
It doesn't take a toreent to be mean,
but words can crush things that are unseen....
so please be careful with me.
i'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way......

It goes on and on, but the first verse is my verse.

I'm a truth teller, and with my degas gone, I still have hope.
I'm sensitive,
And I hope that you like if I'd stay that way.

Gaining Control... Control....Control....it starts to sound strange.

What does an OCPD person do when they've lost control?

Well, they gain control, of course. They need control, so they get it, one way or the other. Whether it's a schedule or a routine; perhaps it's the way the refrigerator is organized. Maybe it's the way the towels are folded in the cupboard. Who knows? The OCPD person knows, that's who.

For example, even if the world in my eyes is falling apart, I know the cups in my cupboard are in the correct spot. The coffee cups are aligned just in the correct way. That extra cup, the one that doesn't fit, I'll make sure it breaks (accidentally) the next time I wash it. The items on the desk will be arranged in the manner I most see fit, and the clothes will be put in a basket in just the correct way. It may not make sense to you, but to me it does.

I find that when certain areas of my world fall apart, and I can't control them, I control things in my life I know are easy to control. Those things become an obsession. OCPD. Do you feel it?

Last week, my house was cleaned immaculately by Ben. I had nothing to do, so I cleaned my car out. My car was a disaster. French fries and toys and sweaters and paycheck stubs and prescriptions. My car didn't matter previously, because I focused on my house. I had controlled my house. When I could no longer focus on my house, I focused on my car. Curious isn't it? I realize I'm rambling, but I really feel control in an OCPD person doesn't have to be in all areas. An OCPDer just picks their spot to control, and controls it immaculately.

My nanny washed and put away my dishes the other day, and upon coming home, I couldn't see the good work she had done because the dishes she washed weren't put away properly. Jesuz Mel, get a grip, right? I should have just said thank you and paid her a little extra.

So, what does an OCPDer do when it comes to controlling things in their professional life? So many people to work with on a daily basis. It's much different than life at home. You can be neurotic at home and your family despises it, but gets it. At work, you're just neurotic.

I've found the solution. This OCPD person is opening her own business. Between Ben and I, I can expect that perfection will be obtained on a daily basis. Because of this, my house will fall apart, I'm sure. However, I can be in control of whatever I choose, right? The car, the house, the kids, the business... it will be interesting, to say the least.

I can't promise to write. I, however, promised not to. I can't make promises anymore.

I can only control and do what I can control and do. Hello, new business. Hello readers. I hope my business and my readers will connect, but I can't promise they will. I have no control over that. However, I can control how I spend my time in the near future, and I can take into account how that control will affect and benefit myself and my family. I have to understand that with control comes great responsibility. My family, my employer, my business, my love, and myself are counting on me to control the things that really matter to us and our well being. Our well being as a whole, to be exact.

I'm counting on my need to be perfect to be beneficial for us all. I can't wait for the newness, the things in the near future, that I will be able to control in a way that is beneficial for all of us.
And, I would like to keep writing, in the process.